Saturday, April 8, 2006, 12:01 AM
NB One for honesty. Feel free to make comments. Not much actuarial humour. Also, I denote people by their handles as opposed to real names.
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When I was a younger, idealistic child I believed in never having regrets and seizing the opportunity to never leaving anything unsaid. Aware of my own mortality and that I only have one life to experience first hand, I'd do and say the first thing that came to mind.
Since growing up, though I still often wear my heart on my sleeve, I've found that there is a trend that the first thing on my mind is negatively correlated to what is in a guy's mind. I like to love and commit strongly. Those are the main axioms in my life. Bigger than money, bigger than ambition.
Dating my last boyfriend 'Azrael', we broke up after a while, had the most disgusting aftermath as I follow him around like a lost puppy. For no matter how long it was, I gave 100% of my love and commitment - but he didn't. It was so hard yesterday, he didn't want me to be there at his graduation. So I didn't go.
Being of the lovelorn, many have dispensed valuable advice. I was told that if I truly loved him, then I would be able to let him go and be happy on his terms. I was also told that if he truly cared within epsilon for me, he wouldn't have rejected me so cruelly to be there with him even as a friend at his graduation.
So last night I went to a party of one of my friends, knowing there was a high probability he'd be there. I got mega dressed up in the skimpiest dress I've ever bought in my life, high heels and sporting a brand new haircut.
He didn't say a single word to me last night unless we so happened to be in the same general conversation group or I asked him a direct question. It was so painful to not have him say anything to me, but to sit on the side of the room watching him flirt with another girl.
With Azrael, I was never forthcoming with the full extent of my feelings. All this time in the aftermath of our breakup 5 months ago I was regretting so heavily that I never told him that I love him.
So that night in the living room after encouraging one of the most loveliest, nicest, sophisticated girls I've ever met to ask him out (the girl he was flirting with), I managed to catch him alone.
"I'm sorry" I said
"Fine." he said. "Apology accepted."
"I'm really sorry. I hate that everything is so awkward between us because I do sincerely wish for us to be friends."
"It'll pass."
"But I just wanted to tell you, that I really really love you..."
"That's not helping" he cut in.
"I know. I just didn't want to regret never telling you"
And with that, I turned away from him and left. I was shattered by how unemotional he was about the whole thing, not even giving me a sympathetic understanding tenderness. I immediately left the party and asked another one of my ex boyfriends 'Sineltor' to walk me to my car.
"You know, I was going through my email archives during the mailing list disaster post breakup and I'm just wondering if what you said was true." I asked him.
"What did I say again?"
"That girlfriends/boyfriends are for people who don't have the confidence to live their own lives. Do you really think that of me?"
"What do you think of yourself?"
"I don't think so... but the whole thing really bothered me."
"If it bothers you, then I think that you should prove to yourself that's not you."
"You know, I just have a hard problem letting go of things"
"I know"
And then I started crying with all the grief and unhappiness of the past 5 months. I went into Sineltor's arms sobbing uncontrollably and he gave me a pat and said that everything will work out.
"You know, don't worry about it. I'll probably die alone." Sineltor said.
"You'll never be alone, you'll always have at least one friend."
"I'm not the only one here that has that you know."
And I got in my car and drove home. My mind was so distracted I drove nearly 10-15kms below the speed limit - including the 60km zone ones. That's like a catastrophic risk event occurrence (also one waiting to happen).
And though the painful process of letting go, each time it gets more expensive. Why should I invest so much emotional capital in every relationship even when the prospect of return is never guaranteed? My friend 'Cow' thinks I'm incredibly foolish in doing so, especially in a guy like Azrael whom he thinks is definitely not worth the agony. What kind of insurance can I purchase against that?
Nothing. But I'm so glad I told him that I love him. Maybe I can now truly let go a little. And though that memory of him flirting with that girl is so incredibly painful, I keep the memories I have of us together. I try to keep them inviolate.
Thanks for reading.
With love,
The Actuary
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( 3 / 360 )Friday, April 7, 2006, 01:57 PM
I'm so happy that a few friends from the Actuarial Outpost discussion forum have visited and left comments. So here are mine:
- "Kissing another actuary would be like kissing your brother".
Well to be honest, I've never kissed a male actuary and I haven't kissed my brother since he was about 7 (he's 18 now) so I can't really make a comment. However, I will let you know if I should ever hypothesise test this experiment out myself.
- Honesty
Happy Conservative, this column was previously syndicated in a university actuarial newsletter, not exactly the ideal platform for an actual indepth discussion on dating. The probability that a student reading the newsletter just wanted to past the time amusingly was high, not reading the vagaries of some other students love life and opinions. Heretofore, the column was written anytime I had a certain insight about dating with an actuarial turn.
Now that I have moved to a blog, that will change as I can't keep that up indefinitely and will introduce some shady characters and experiences from my own life
- Location
I'm currently located in Sydney, Australia.
I'm very punny.
kthxbai
The Actuary
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