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Dating and the Actuary
Dating Tactics 
Saturday, June 9, 2007, 03:47 AM
Thanks to the freedictionary.com, I've looked up the definition of dating.
7. a. An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.
b. One's companion on such an outing.
However in part 3a:-
3. a. A particular point or period of time at which something happened or existed, or is expected to happen.

I've been out twice with a boy. However, it has certainly been very interesting. In all my romantic love life including the protosexual time (as my mate Seafood calls it) in my extreme youth, I've never actually been out on a DATE. Definition 7, though I'm not quite certain if it is a romantic interest. I tended to jump in things head first with guys that I struck an attraction level with in a reasonably comfortable environment like university or via (Heaven forbid) the internets. So here I am, DATING. And it's weird. Like it's definitely nice because it's like seeing someone but still being single. I look forward to my dates with this nice guy Apple.

But I guess the real question that I should be pondering is Defintion 3a. i.e. the question 'Where is this leading?'.

A lot of people have said take the 'Wait and See' tactic. You wait around before making any commitment and in the interim most likely to never end up committing unless they force the issue. Take things slow, let love grow etc.

There's the 'Hard to Get' tactic. This implies that I've made the decision that I want this boy and that I'm just going to let him dangle on a string before reeling him in. Play with him heartlessly so he truly values me for the wonderful creature that I am. (NB I do not like the Hard to Get tactic and am sad that is works so well). Of course though, it could mean you risk playing so hard to get that they refuse to try to get you.

There's something I like to call the 'Upfront tactic'. And by that I mean you just spill exactly what is on your mind, tell them what you want from them and wait for them to respond. Now I've been told unequivocally by many parties to NOT PURSUE THIS TACTIC. Because apparently this tactic makes many people run away because they are not ready as they are playing other tactics - usually the 'Wait and See' one.This will upset the balance and hence you will be left out cold.

I prefer the 'Upfront' tactic. However statistically speaking, I have in the past had a 0% success rate. Some of the people I am really honest to have ended up being taken and thus they appreciate my honesty, are flattered by it, but nothing will happen except the start of a nice friendship. And then there are the others that run away because they don't know how to handle it. But to quote my boss of many summers ago "The past performance should not be used to indicate future performance".

My take on the situation is that if I don't be upfront from the start, then how will they deal with my usual bluntness and tactlessness on a regular basis? According to my mates though, if people are put off by it because I keep pushing the issue then they'll never have a chance to get to know me. But if I don't act on my attraction, then I will regret not having done it.

However one thing I do hate, is that now I'm taking the 'Wait and See' tactic because I really don't know how attracted I am. So I don't think about it too much. But when I mentioned to my friends that he cancelled our movie outing because he had to finish an assignment, my friends started analysing it saying 'Pfft if it was me and I was really that interested I would have gone' etc. which was really annoying because then I started to worry about it before I caught myself.

Which led me to think, how many doubts of your relationship can be caused by people's so-called analysis? Many people are insecure by nature and peer pressure (and I think of this as peer pressure) will only exacerbate it.

I think this whole dating game is rather confusing.

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Stochastic Changes 
Monday, August 21, 2006, 08:25 PM
Well it's been a while since I've posted here in this little Actuarial Dating blog, so here's the update on the dating schemata.

I had the advice a while back that I should remain who I am, because if I pretend to be something I'm not, then the guy that wants me for exactly who I am will pass me by.

In the past few months I met Jaq. It was really strange. I've read his blog, he's read mine and we empathise on the emotional issues. But when we met in real life, it was different. You can exchange emails all you want, and read what you want, but in the end, a blog can only tell you the perspective that the blogger wants you to see of them. It's a form of highly specialised acting. I know my blogs run different but similar themes and show different aspects of my personality. But if you met me, there's a high chance that you wouldn't even like me or that I'm nothing like how you imagined.

In reality, who AM I? It's not like I'm a deterministic thing, I'm rather stochastic. My equation will never remain static, I will re-declare my variables, add some, drop some at whim or suddenly, correlations to external variables will change in a blink of an eye.

Elm once told me that I shouldn't give people a lot of power to hurt me if I concentrated inwardly and focussed on other areas in life then finding Mr Right. I've always thought that he was wrong. Not working on my own model is the issue, it's how much I'm willing to gamble.

As the old maxim goes, "The higher the risk, the higher the return". But after an extremely painful episode in the last few months where the investment I made (despite knowing it was a bad one) gave me a large negative return, I've become extremely risk adverse. I don't want to give men the power to hurt me anymore, not because I want to concentrate inwardly, but because my utility distribution has become so skewed as my risk aversion has increased exponentially.

From personal statistics, people that I've been attracted to haven't worked out so well so I will no longer weight that indicator so heavily. Being a cautious Actuary, I'm not foolish enough to accept just anybody who crosses my path (the idea being if you lower your standards enough you'll find someone), but at least now I have a high valuation reserve for anyone who does.


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