Oh look it’s a snake!

And by that I mean PYTHON.

I had to do some data manipulation for work. I started off trying to VBA Macro it up in Excel but it drove me insane so I started from scratch and did it in Python. I spent the same amount of time that I was tearing my hair out in VBA and finished it off. :)

I think I had a major nerdgasm once I finished. It’s been years since I’ve done any programming in Python and the internet docs were my best friend, but all in all, it’s sheer elegance just left me completely satisfied. <3

Ingrate Stuffed Animal…

As seen on the ABC website, Spot the dog is apparently a lying plush. He also comes in Large.

In conclusion, do not trust your stuffed animals.

Apple – it makes no sense

For most people who know me, I hate Apple products. Yes they have clever marketing, but that’s all it is. It’s all about selling the product and making you feel like a douche if you don’t own the latest Apple gadget.

Yes, their software is as perfect as God and all his creations.

But I really really really hate it.

I like the flexibility of just installing a hard drive on my computer, and putting more RAM chips in instead of buying a new machine. I like being able to use my mp3 device as a spare hard disk on the go, being able to connect to any computer I want and copying files off it. I also like paying less for the technology I am getting which is usually ahead of the game than the current Apple product.

For example, last year I bought my iRiver E100 for less than $100. It is 8 gigabyte, has FM radio. It even has a mic and recording capability. Also being a USB 2.0 plug, I can plug it in anywhere without carting around it’s stupid cable. And the kicker? If 8 gig isn’t enough then I can put in a Micro SD to get even more space! It ‘just works’ (to quote Apple users) and I got it cheaply and I’ve never had a single problem.

I hate the fact though that because some artists release stuff only on iTunes, I am forced to miss out. I really DO NOT want to install the piece of bloatware to get songs that I can’t listen to on my mp3 player because I don’t have an iPod. And podcasts? Well honey, I’m not going to provide you with an RSS link so you just plug it in anywhere because well, you don’t have iTunes.

It just makes me incredibly angry. Just like Apple’s decision to be a dick about what language your iPhone app is compiled in I feel they are more evil and soul destroying than anything else. A lot of people cite the convenience of the Genius Bar (not that many of those Customer Service Representatives are actually genii) and ease of getting replacement during warranty – but shouldn’t they wonder about the fact that they had to replace it during warranty in the first place? What about hard durability and quality of product?

I just love how they keep releasing new generations of iPods and try to get people to buy them. If they had originally just taken their hundreds of dollars and invested in a product that had all those features in the first place, they wouldn’t feel the need to replace it. I originally had a Samsung p3 player (which died but I loved it to bits) but that was 3 years ago and had almost identical features to an iPod touch but without gameplaying capability. The technology has actually been around for a while, they just wait to release this new ‘feature’ so they can make you buy a new product which is actuality a duplicate of something you already own. Oh, and don’t forget paid a fortune for.

In conclusion, I haven’t found an Apple product that I have really considered worth buying. I’m not buying an Apple computer just so I can use OSX. I’m not buying an iPod that’s twice the price and still slightly behind in technology to an equivalent iRiver product. And I’m not buying an iPhone when my Android phone does the SAME THING and I don’t feel like I have to buy a new product every year to ‘keep up with the times’.

Don’t buy into the Apple temptation people. Even the logo has a bite taken out of the Apple. Look where it got Adam and Eve (sic).

A New Hope

Despite the title, I am not going to be talking about Star Wars.

As any and all who know me, I have been extremely busy with work for the past couple of months. However everything is starting to slow down and I am starting to find time to myself again.

It has been two months since I started this regime of medication and I feel like a different person. As a result, I am updating and cleaning up my poor little blog to reflect that. This by no means detracts from love of pink or Hello Kitty, but to set a different tone to highlight the person I have become. Without meaning to, I have become ‘reinvented’, something that my mental illness friends said could happen in the time that I was on anti-depressants.

Everyone at work has noticed the vast difference in me – from my energy levels, my humour and even the way I speak. Despite my ire whenever I stocktake a Priceline, I am now a lot more relaxed, easier to deal with and to talk to. My boss and good work mates have said that I have become a new, better person. My boss tells me I have even lost my waxy pallor and I look healthy.

I am constantly surprised and amazed at this new turn in my life. I eat less, I sleep less and yet I am still ready to get up and do it all over again. I am ready to step away from the shadows of doubt, the imaginings of failure and the insecurities that plagued my thoughts and just BE.

Something my boss said surprised me – he said that I have become less sharp and hurtful as a person and even thinking about what I say and how I say it. It has reflected in my interactions with people and that he was pointing it out because I might not see it. He said I probably was unaware of it and that if I did, I was too miserable to care and was lashing out. My boss is a very astute man, and he is in all probability making a truthful statement.

I know that in the last couple of years it has been a trying time for my family and my friends. I have treated some of them badly – and I have regrets about it. I understand what it is like to be both on the giving and receiving end. I lost a few friends because I withdrew from people, because I said things I should not of had or simply because they were unable to continue being friends with someone who had lost grip with reality. I have made many mistakes and though I can claim that it was derived from diseased thought processes it does not change the unalterable fact that my relationships with some people have been broken in some way.

In the past, I would mull on it and get upset. Possibly saying horrible things, possibly blaming myself and working myself into a fit. The valuable lessons I have learned through this rather horrid experience is that sometimes you just have to let it go and to not look back (well too often). What is done is done. Though I have regrets I am not going to go around and beg for scraps from people that I have offended in the vain hope that they forgive me.  I have learned I can live without these people – and in time if I ever see them again I shall tell them of my sincere regrets – but forgiveness works both ways. I should not need to beg, only to be receptive to communication. If I have made an offering before it is enough.

My relationship with my mother is also vastly improved. Because now I no longer feel the need to snap people’s heads off I do not bite hers. I am more patient with her and try to answer her questions to the best of my ability. And because I have a lot more energy, I am spending less time at home and consequently have less time to lose my temper at her. I am trying to do my part to be a better daughter by her. I think it has helped a lot that my father is out of the country. I feel that he stifles the both of us with his over critical observations and his controlling ways. My mother does not feel like she has to put on a show of ‘mothering’ us and I feel more able to express myself without being shot down. I love my father, but I have no respect for him as a person.

And the biggest change now? I am more receptive and open to new experiences. I realised recently that I have not had a real ‘date’ in 3 years. So I want to spend some time dating. I do not necessarily want to be in a relationship, I just want to discover who I am now and the types of people that will go along with it. I even got a guys number! (Shamed he turned out to be a total waste of time).  To complement this, I discovered that I no longer feel ‘lonely’. None of the deep twinges I used to get that made me long for someone in my life. My life is full of people and they are now all the more valuable as they have stuck by me through my time of need even when I was not a pleasant person.

Talking to my psychiatrist a couple of months ago I listed a few things that I wanted to do before I was 30. So here goes:

  • Live in Canada
  • Learn every type of ice skating jump (only singles, I am not deluding myself into thinking I am any sort of athlete)
  • Get the first level of Actuarial exams done

I have thought about those things ever since I was a kid and they have stuck in the back of my mind for a long time. He liked my list because though I do have a time limit set for myself, it was flexible to move around if something else comes my way. They are independent of each other so that if I fail one, I will not have failed them all. And most of all, that they are all feasibly achievable.

I have always felt pressured to have a ‘career’ even though my instinct was to rebel. But its okay that I never achieved the heights of a career – I never wanted one. My dearest dream is to have a family and be a soccer mum chasing after my kids. I have still worked a lot and performed admirably and picked up a great many skills, so I have nothing to be ashamed of even if I did not become a doctor, qualify as a full actuary or work for Google.

In conclusion, I am a lot more philosophical about life and enjoying the moment I live in. Even that in itself is a novel experience as I have not felt it for quite some time. However I wanted to share all this with you, my reader, whoever you may be. Today is not only Canada Day, but the mark of a new chapter of my life. I am not going to hide behind any other names but stand proud of my own.

My name is Cecile and thank you for being part of my life.

Megabitch

I am turning into a megabitch at the moment.

I’ve worked for the past month with only one full day off.

I am exhausted. I am cranky.

I hate the people that I work with as they are slowly driving me insane because they are precisely the type of people who I would not choose to associate myself with.  For a start, though I am the supervisor they do not see me with any real authority and treat most things I say as a joke. They also do not have the capacity to accept more than one direction at any one time or ignore directions completely. They ask stupid, inane questions that really they already know they answer to and generally just waste my time. Also, quite a few of them smoke so they use that an excuse to stop every hour and disappear off for 10-15 minutes.

I know we get paid by the hour, but STOP WASTING MY TIME.

It is funny, theoretically I should be all for dawdling if I get paid by the hour. But when I work, I work hard. I just want to get the job done. Possibly this train of thought has been drummed into me when I started folding folders for my dad since I was 15 and the seemingly never ending pile had to be conquered. And now with my supervisory role and doing a lot of the technical work, I am the first to start and the last to finish. I told Mohammed when he came back for a couple of jobs this year “I hate being you”.

Surprisingly, what all this has proved is a testament to the new drugs I am currently taking. My psychiatrist put me on 300mg of Aurorix a day and I am alert for work. Even though I moan and bitch constantly, I am there to do the job without fail. Some days I get little sleep, I actually manage to survive in stark contrast to last year where I would just faint on my feet. My psychologist is very upbeat with all the progress I have made recently and we’re scaling back on duration between visits.

So yes, I am cranky and generally hate everyone right now. But I am starting to live again. I could reflect more on this statement, but every time I have done with people I end up in tears. Which is funny. I used to rarely cry before. Now I do it almost at a drop of a hat. But now that uni exams are over and more workers are available I can cut back on a few shifts… in approximately 2 weeks. <insert rant on having to do the monthly club jobs on top of our insane schedule here> Then I can see if I can reboot my life again, go out with old friends and make some new ones.

I have now also found a quality that any future partner of mine must have. He must be numerate, and know how to count. Otherwise I am going to bash them over the head with a barcode scanner.

Much love and no sleep!