My Introspective Analysis

Song of the Day: High School Musical Featuring Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens – Breaking Free

It’s been an interesting month. Work has been slow. I’ve been sick. My social life has picked up tremendously.

I went to see the psychologist again, and we agreed that it would be basically our last session.

I knew it was coming – I was proactive about making decisions in my own life without her input. I was seeing her less and less with large gaps in between. And I even arrived late to this session. She said she didn’t mind because she knew it was a sign – I would never have missed a session this time last year. Different things were becoming more important to me, and I didn’t need to ‘check in’.

It was incredibly emotional. Shakespeare is right when he says “parting is such sweet sorrow”. I was mostly happy, confident and ready to move on. I can see what’s going to happen next with my life and not living a half life where I didn’t even want tomorrow to come. She said she wasn’t offended that I didn’t really want to see her again – though I said I never know where I will be five years from now, but today I’m good.

That is not to say I don’t have my down moments. But they are different now. They aren’t as soul crushing and I know I can bounce back from them. I let it run it’s course. I call my girlfriends who talk me through it. I keep looking forward. I’m entertaining myself with lots of karaoke and playing the field.  Relationships with friends have improved. Feeling more confident and aware as a myself as a woman.

To be honest, I’m finding that such positivity that I’m spewing right now disgusting. It’s silly isn’t it? It’s part of the human condition to always want to focus on pain. Being happy is so positively boring. My psychiatrist once suggested that maybe it was a psychological tendency of mine to always want to have some big major drama to focus on and have things blow out of proportion in my head. He said one day I wouldn’t need to do that.

Asinine as it is to suggest, life was way more interesting when I wanted to kill myself. In retrospect there is a thrill living on such a precarious mental edge. Of course, my friends like me way better the way I am now. I am totes more coherent now.

So to be brutally honest, I have a lot of mixed feelings of being where I am. For sure it’s undoubtedly better. But it’s hard to leave a world behind that you know so intimately no matter how shit it was. And sometimes the fear sets in that you’ll be transported back no matter how good things are now. You’re just waiting for it to bite you back in the neck.

So really I can’t complain about life. Kinds of making blogging useless. I always looked upon it as an outlet of my feelings. And I don’t really feel anything at the moment. It’s not the soul destroying numbness of nothingness just the ‘meh’ variety. It’s almost an intelligent apathy.

And in some ways I feel it can be poisonous.

Song of the Day – 宇多田ヒカル – FINAL DISTANCE

It’s been a rough kind of last couple weeks where I’ve dropped the ball. I’m really tense and stressed. A pattern of unwarranted temper and anger have been flashing.

I had something good happen to me the other night. I realised that I finally let go. I had been thinking about it for a while. I knew that there was nothing left to salvage. I thought it was time to get rid of the things I have left of them. I don’t even sleep with the penguin anymore preferring the infinite comfort (and innate violence) of my koala. It was time to say good bye.

Whilst my sister was here I was talking to her about the future. My hopes, my dreams type thing. She thought it was a fantastic idea that I wanted to become a teacher, and that it would suit me down to the ground. It hit me that I needed to move on with my life more than anything. I needed to work hard and pass TAFE and get out of there. I needed to settle on a career that I could live with. I needed to be open to the idea of relationships. I needed to be less afraid.

And sure, the bittersweet pangs of tumultuous emotions still plague me. But I’m slowly and surely building myself into a better place. I’m going to be okay.

Song of the Day: Lissie – Everywhere I Go

I haven’t written very much at all in the past month. I’ve steadily come across the case of the ‘blues’, an unsettling melancholy that pervades my soul. And I’ve been struggling.

I’ve kept myself fairly busy with school having started up again, work kicking off with a vengeance and watching many new television shows and video games in an effort to keep me endlessly occupied. But I’m starting to get tired again.

I’ve noticed I’ve become more introverted again. Staying away from people for long stretches of time. I am lonely yet do not crave any company. The restlessness at night and tiredness during the day. The endless need for escapism. My appetite is inconsistent.

I know I have always been a dreamer and I’ve been dreaming to think of the future, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of my closest friends in the world is getting married and I’m bridesmaid. I’m thinking about becoming a teacher. The day that I quit my damn job. My long waited for trip to Canada. And now I’m going to Vietnam with my mother next month which should prove interesting if not slightly irritating.

I cling onto those thoughts. I dare not settle down without occupation that lets my attention wander because I’m afraid of where my thoughts will take me. To be fair, it’s not so bad. It’s not as bad as it used to be where I was thinking the true dark thoughts of pain and suicide. I am just plagued with vague thoughts of fear and discontent.

However the determination of not heading down that spiraling track of destruction will keep me safe from harm.

At least I hope it will.