Despite the title, I am not going to be talking about Star Wars.
As any and all who know me, I have been extremely busy with work for the past couple of months. However everything is starting to slow down and I am starting to find time to myself again.
It has been two months since I started this regime of medication and I feel like a different person. As a result, I am updating and cleaning up my poor little blog to reflect that. This by no means detracts from love of pink or Hello Kitty, but to set a different tone to highlight the person I have become. Without meaning to, I have become ‘reinvented’, something that my mental illness friends said could happen in the time that I was on anti-depressants.
Everyone at work has noticed the vast difference in me – from my energy levels, my humour and even the way I speak. Despite my ire whenever I stocktake a Priceline, I am now a lot more relaxed, easier to deal with and to talk to. My boss and good work mates have said that I have become a new, better person. My boss tells me I have even lost my waxy pallor and I look healthy.
I am constantly surprised and amazed at this new turn in my life. I eat less, I sleep less and yet I am still ready to get up and do it all over again. I am ready to step away from the shadows of doubt, the imaginings of failure and the insecurities that plagued my thoughts and just BE.
Something my boss said surprised me – he said that I have become less sharp and hurtful as a person and even thinking about what I say and how I say it. It has reflected in my interactions with people and that he was pointing it out because I might not see it. He said I probably was unaware of it and that if I did, I was too miserable to care and was lashing out. My boss is a very astute man, and he is in all probability making a truthful statement.
I know that in the last couple of years it has been a trying time for my family and my friends. I have treated some of them badly – and I have regrets about it. I understand what it is like to be both on the giving and receiving end. I lost a few friends because I withdrew from people, because I said things I should not of had or simply because they were unable to continue being friends with someone who had lost grip with reality. I have made many mistakes and though I can claim that it was derived from diseased thought processes it does not change the unalterable fact that my relationships with some people have been broken in some way.
In the past, I would mull on it and get upset. Possibly saying horrible things, possibly blaming myself and working myself into a fit. The valuable lessons I have learned through this rather horrid experience is that sometimes you just have to let it go and to not look back (well too often). What is done is done. Though I have regrets I am not going to go around and beg for scraps from people that I have offended in the vain hope that they forgive me. I have learned I can live without these people – and in time if I ever see them again I shall tell them of my sincere regrets – but forgiveness works both ways. I should not need to beg, only to be receptive to communication. If I have made an offering before it is enough.
My relationship with my mother is also vastly improved. Because now I no longer feel the need to snap people’s heads off I do not bite hers. I am more patient with her and try to answer her questions to the best of my ability. And because I have a lot more energy, I am spending less time at home and consequently have less time to lose my temper at her. I am trying to do my part to be a better daughter by her. I think it has helped a lot that my father is out of the country. I feel that he stifles the both of us with his over critical observations and his controlling ways. My mother does not feel like she has to put on a show of ‘mothering’ us and I feel more able to express myself without being shot down. I love my father, but I have no respect for him as a person.
And the biggest change now? I am more receptive and open to new experiences. I realised recently that I have not had a real ‘date’ in 3 years. So I want to spend some time dating. I do not necessarily want to be in a relationship, I just want to discover who I am now and the types of people that will go along with it. I even got a guys number! (Shamed he turned out to be a total waste of time). To complement this, I discovered that I no longer feel ‘lonely’. None of the deep twinges I used to get that made me long for someone in my life. My life is full of people and they are now all the more valuable as they have stuck by me through my time of need even when I was not a pleasant person.
Talking to my psychiatrist a couple of months ago I listed a few things that I wanted to do before I was 30. So here goes:
- Live in Canada
- Learn every type of ice skating jump (only singles, I am not deluding myself into thinking I am any sort of athlete)
- Get the first level of Actuarial exams done
I have thought about those things ever since I was a kid and they have stuck in the back of my mind for a long time. He liked my list because though I do have a time limit set for myself, it was flexible to move around if something else comes my way. They are independent of each other so that if I fail one, I will not have failed them all. And most of all, that they are all feasibly achievable.
I have always felt pressured to have a ‘career’ even though my instinct was to rebel. But its okay that I never achieved the heights of a career – I never wanted one. My dearest dream is to have a family and be a soccer mum chasing after my kids. I have still worked a lot and performed admirably and picked up a great many skills, so I have nothing to be ashamed of even if I did not become a doctor, qualify as a full actuary or work for Google.
In conclusion, I am a lot more philosophical about life and enjoying the moment I live in. Even that in itself is a novel experience as I have not felt it for quite some time. However I wanted to share all this with you, my reader, whoever you may be. Today is not only Canada Day, but the mark of a new chapter of my life. I am not going to hide behind any other names but stand proud of my own.
My name is Cecile and thank you for being part of my life.
