For the last few years I’ve struggled a lot with depression, with ideas of self harm, with ideas of suicide, with disillusionment.

As a logical rational person, I know that in many ways these thought patterns have no basis in reality and is a cumulative result of residual psychological issues and unresolved emotions. In some ways I feel like a fraud because I don’t feel like I’m a true ‘victim’ of psychological trauma – I’ve never been raped, I’ve never been subjected to real violence, I come from a ‘good’ home and am well educated with a degree of intelligence. I consistently feel like I’m a failure and that this inability to be content with what really is a ‘good’ life.

The idea of physical pain sometimes intrigues me – that the focus of that physical pain will detract from the emotional suffering. Sometimes I fantasise of scoring a knife on my arms, to feel that pinprick of pain. To imagine the small beads of blood will form and that cleansing feeling as the blood drips down from the cuts. Why I don’t do it is fear. I’m afraid of the consequences and if I won’t be able to deal with the physical pain and dealing with the obvious external marks and questions that it will raise. I then realise what a foolish thought it is, that it will solve naught and only will take me further down a darker path.

However a part of me berates myself, hates myself for lacking the courage to do it. It seems like such a simple thing to do – just pick up the damn knife and do it. Faced with my own demons and its war with my rationality against the promises I’ve made my friends and doctors I turn away from it, and turn away from myself in disgust.

A friend who is into the BDSM scene once offered me the choice of exploring the boundaries of pain without leaving marks. Sometimes I think about that offer and I’m tempted. But I know I’m not sexually perverse and that I don’t want to push myself into that category, sinking deeper and in some ways becoming addicted to it. I know that it’s not healthy for me and won’t help my state of mind.

Also I wonder how I got to this point. How did the cumulative total of my experiences and my feelings lead me into this pit? When I was 20 and in love all I wanted was to marry my boy, have my children and live the most vanilla life. Now, I’m totally unsatisfied with being alive. The short term goals I set for myself are so fuzzy and some days I can’t get out of bed. All those long term goals have disappeared in a puff of smoke and I can barely imagine being alive 10 years from now let alone being married and having children.

I know I have to remember what it felt like to be in a good mood. To concentrate on the small joys of my life. To reflect on living. That cheer party is hard – and it takes a toll on me and took a toll on my friendships.  And I get better at managing it. Better at cleaning myself up. Better at paying the price. And better at behaving ‘normally’ when I’m out and about in society.

One of the hard things about being someone in the mental illness category is that many of your friends also belong in the same category, the better to understand and empathise. The flipside is that this renders many of them unresponsive for long stretches of time as they struggle to deal with the same kind of feelings.  Which sucks. Sometimes when you need someone they can’t be there. And sometimes when you try to reach out and be there for them, they aren’t willing to let you in. And I guess something that bothers me as well is that if that goes on long enough, that could just mean a quiet end to that friendship despite the fact I’ve tried to fight that from happening.

I’m just tired. Really tired.

My medication has helped with the physical aspect of depression, but it’s not a cure all. And unlike my other meds, I no longer have strong social anxiety. So I still have to face with emotional collateral that’s left over. It spurs me into the arena of self harm. Starvation to the fine line of eating disorder, fantasies about knives against my bare flesh, sexual risks – just so I can feel ‘alive’.

But I put food in my mouth, I don’t sleep around and I don’t try to make my fantasies into reality. I do the right thing by me. I make light of it to my friends and I rarely let it show, saving it up because I’m scared of losing people and scaring my friends off.

And I am ashamed. I’m ashamed of myself. I feel like my life isn’t going anywhere. I feel like I’m not going anywhere. I feel like a failure because it’s as if I can’t commit to either way – to living or to dying.  All I can recall is that line from Macbeth “My way of life has fallen into the sere“.

There’s all those plans, all those things I want to do – but they don’t matter anymore. Nothing matters at this time. All that matters is those ideas of pain. I keep at it, at those plans, but in the end when I lie alone in bed I keep thinking about pain and that “I like the way it hurts…”

Being a complete moron, I got the Capitol and State theatres mixed up so I got off at Central and realised my mistake when I saw that the theatre I was heading to was showing Wicked! Instead of being so lazy and getting the bus up George St I trudged through the city on a busy Friday night in a vain attempt to improve my physical fitness.

I was in shock when I got to the theatre. It was just completely packed. I was hard pressed to pass through the crush to get to the box office only to find that they had sold out. But someone rocked up to the box office said they had a spare ticket and we made an equivalent exchange. So I got in to see the show. Kudos to random bloke named Stewart!

Walking into the theatre to find my seat I was a bit surprised at the people in it. There seemed to be an inordinate amount of men. And some of them very flamboyantly gay – they were dressed up! Having only seen one short clip of Pam Ann’s comedy (which did not include any homosexual references) I wasn’t sure what to expect. But then the lights went down.

Pam Ann brought on a multimedia show. Gorgeous costumes, use of props, music and videos. Her attention to detail in makeup and costumes is incredible. She came out wearing a latex pink flight suit which I thought was absolutely gorgeous and totally wanted for myself. Her bouffant hair, loud makeup was just such perfect sixties which she played up in her videos with a splice from 60s movies. She has an irresistible stage presence which makes you just look at her in awe.

The whole atmosphere was like a party and a lot of the talk about sex, drugs and airlines. But this is where it fell down.

The people in my row (Stuart and company) actually walked out and left. Pam Ann obviously really enjoyed being at home in Sydney with the big gay crowd and was lapping it up – so it became more of a gay spectacle then about comedy. It’s not to say it wasn’t fun to watch as Pam Ann has a larger than life personality, but it would be extremely confronting for plain vanilla folks who are just expecting a night of jokes. I watched in a state of deep fascination as I saw this bizarre party unfold on stage. She was very big on crowd participation and invited representatives from airlines to play a game on stage. I didn’t realise so many people in the crowd were from airlines!

Pam Ann obviously has a huge following and probably justifiably so. But as a first time watcher of her comedy, I didn’t get a lot out of it. While I have been watching the comedy scene, I’ve been trying to see how women fit in. I wish I had more of an opportunity to sample her wit as opposed to the party that I witnessed. However, it was an expensive show to go see being a multimedia show but almost not quite worth the money. I would probably go see another show of hers, but probably not in Sydney where we have such a dominant gay home crowd that she’ll just party with.

I still want that pink latex suit though.

This was a pretty big show. There were a lot of comedians just filing on and off the stage and each sketch was quite short, as a teaser for more. I think one of the things I realised about the comedy I like is that I enjoy watching the longer shows because you get to see more of the comedians personality and hear their stories.

The MC tonight was Toby Coleman. This is the second time I’ve seen him MC but I quite enjoy his work. Sure I’ve heard some of the jokes before, but he’s very open and engaging in an irreverent fashion. He clearly works hard at what he does and takes his role seriously getting us all clapping to welcome the comedians out and letting us know in a very natural fashion the house rules.

First up was John Cruickshank who I’ve already seen before as an opening act for Michael Kosta. He was much more on the one-liners and to be honest was almost identical to the first act I’ve seen. He has a nervous, bumbling demeanour which is endearing but I think I wanted to hear a bit more than the one-liners and go into a real story. He’s listed in the Comedy Store’s Advanced Comedy School Graduation showcase, so he must be very upcoming and new. I’d be interested to see how he develops.

Emma Markezic was next and to be honest, the first female comedian that I saw perform. I have mixed feelings about it. In my opinion I think female comedians have to work a lot harder to be funny. Guys just bring out the dick and sex jokes and bam instant comedy. For a woman, she’s got to be either seriously vulgar or seriously intelligent. Emma fell in between with a bit of gross out kind of humour and she didn’t garner as many laughs as she probably deserved. When talking about men and how they treat you, sometimes it just comes across as bitter as opposed to funny.  It’s a fine line to cross and she’s still finding the right note to hit I think.

Paul Warnes was next and he has a gorgeous British accent along with the British subversive humour that just seems to come from left field and is simply just wonderful. He comes up on stage dressed in a suit like an accountant with such a deadpan delivery it was sensational and I really enjoyed his set. I actually met him after the show to ask him precisely what his surname was and he handed me a business card. He also told me that he’s performing in every show but he’ll have something different each time he goes on stage. I really like that idea considering that sometimes it’s just so much safer to work in the jokes you know definitively will work.

Daniel Moore was up and he was a delight. He knew how to keep the giggles coming. He has a more matter of fact presentation and in looks reminded me of Joshua Jackson. But his anecdotes were funny with an incorrigibility that left you wanting more.

To close the first half was Daniel Townes. At first I was a bit wary, I mean I did just see his show last week!  So the first few were the same but then he kicked off and I was pleasantly surprised that he brought a total different array of amusements. Definitely a seasoned performer he’s a complete natural on state knows how to roll with the audience and be engaged with them. Everything seemed off the cuff. He was also the first of the night to bring political humour in and it was so quirky and intelligent I was absolutely enchanted. Running into the intermission, it was definitely a high note.

To start the second act was Umit Bali who was extremely lively and energetic which was very fun to watch. He brought a few racial jokes into the mix and it was very a la Russell Peters. It almost had a rather comical turn to it as opposed to serious stand up. I think it was almost over too quickly which I found rather disappointing.

Laura Jane Emes was up next so I was like YAY another female. Her humour was a little filthy. I think what bothered me was that it was very one note, she focused on this one main theme with a few tidbits here and there as opposed to showcasing a more diverse range. It was mainly redhead jokes and she’s got reddish hair, but I think if she was going to go that far, she should exaggerate the red hair as opposed to having such light hair it could almost be taken as blonde in the dim light.

Then Ray Badran came on. He has an extremely quick wit and kept it moving at a fast pace. He mostly had one-liners but I think that he spoke almost a bit too fast and that detracted a bit of my enjoyment. There wasn’t enough time for it to sink in and really appreciate the joke – I’m hard pressed to remember anything he said now!

Gabriel Rossi was next and he had a quieter act that took a little time to warm up. However his observational humour was excellent with a smarter bent. Some of it was topical and the other part referring to his immigrant background – I’m  interested to see where he would go for a full set. I actually bought his DVD after the show, and I think I’ll reserve my opinion until after I’ve seen it. It was much more something that grows on you as opposed to be slapdash funny.

Lastly was Tommy Dean. I’ve always enjoyed listening to Tommy Dean on ABC Radio where his is a regular for Thank God It’s Friday. He’s insanely clever and witty but less topical than I expected – probably because I’m so used to listening to it on the radio! However his humour was delightfully twisted and insidiously subversive that it just brought the evening to a wonderful close.

All in all it was a highly successful comedy night. I think that it definitely felt like a diverse package that had something funny to offer everyone. But on the same token, I think that the show was very ‘safe’ it didn’t pull any strong punches in sensitive topics. I’m not sure where I’m going with that, but I feel that there could be something a bit more aggressive done in terms of topics – I mean come on the election is in 2 days! I’ll have to mull on it a bit more but I just felt something lacking a bit overall despite the fact that I enjoyed myself.

Maybe this is also a sign that I think too much.

Anyway, I’m hoping to see more of comedy – I love it so.

I found it really confronting and highly uncomfortable.

One of the things I developed in my long convalescence was that I hated people invading my personal space and touching me. In the height of my traumatic times, I would barricade myself in my room and not leave apart from going to the bathroom or the kitchen. I hated people touching me, I only accepted touches I knew were definitely going to happen and expected, like the occasional goodbye hug and kiss. For someone who used to be all over her guy friends, it was a very different time.

To be honest, now that I’m ‘all better’ (for some definition of ‘all’ and some definition of ‘better’), I have relaxed a lot. However, it is only with my female friends that I’m the most comfortable with touching. Being straight as an arrow, I know that those actions would not be misconstrued. And I find now even when I do want to flirt, I’ve lost most of my abilities to be a physical flirt and only really let it happen if the boundaries are already drawn in spoken form.

I have a friend who is a photographer and sometimes I model for him. I haven’t done so in a while. Last week however, I did a shoot and he found me very tense and less able to pose the way he wanted me to. It took a lot of coaxing for me to relax but I was never quite able to just let go the way I used to.

I’ve been celibate for a year now. It was one of the things my doctors recommended because I used to take insane sexual risks in some of my self-harming patterns. But now, I’ve become in many ways quite introverted when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Ironically I’m more shy now then when I was a teenager with little to no experience.

My last boyfriend was also very anti Public Display of Affection (PDA). He is a very private person so it was all very much under the table. I’ve also been grossed out by some serious PDAs at drunken parties so I just don’t care very much for it anymore. Kind of strange because I used to be very into it with my first boyfriend. But now, I’ve developed a lot more reserve and possibility a measure of sensitivity to how other people react to watching it.

But one thing I do have down pat is that I’ve trained myself to not react when someone is touching me. So when this client was touching me, inside my head was screaming but you could not tell because the smile on my face never wavered and my body didn’t jerk away. I’m left wondering if my mind is overreacting from what could just be on their part a friendly gesture or if that it could be taken as a level of sexual harassment.

I didn’t tell my boss about it. He would never condone that kind of behaviour if he knew I was uncomfortable and would go to bat for me. But asking a male co-worker of mine, he said he hated people touching him, but he didn’t think it was wise to create massive waves that my boss would over something that could for some be considered trivial.

Sitting here, I wonder where did my ability to be comfortable with my body go? I am merely just an awkward bundle of nerves and feelings. Why do I feel the need for things to be explicitly said? It seems like I don’t trust my own physical instincts anymore and walled myself in unless I know it’s cast in stone.

I’ve decided that it’s time that I started dating again. Just to learn to relax and get used to the whole thing again. I think there would be many barriers before I would truly be comfortable being in a relationship but I try to keep positive and think that it’s extremely important to not  isolating myself.

I think times like those illustrate the inner strength of a person. I know that I’m not that strong – that possibly I would not kick and scream and say no as adamantly as I should. Or as adamantly I stand by the rights of other people to. In a way that’s scary that I am so weak. You know, I’ve had this happen before long ago in a different time and place and I did exactly nothing.

Do I just stand still and let it happen and after a while it won’t seem so strange and I’ll just let it happen? I don’t think I ever want to be in that situation in a continual basis – I don’t think that I could make the right, necessary choice and voice it aloud.

Apart from the various University Revues I’ve seen and Comicide, I haven’t seen any ‘showcases’. At Michael Kosta’s show, I did see performances from 4 different supporting acts but that was more to whet the appetite and get in the mood. This was a more serious trip with watching 3 headlining acts in quick succession.

Tonight’s supporting act was Oliver Phommavanh. He had a strong hilarious act with my favourite type of jokes – Racist Asian jokes. It played on the stereotypes associated with Asians with quirky observations about media and of course the topical boat people. I especially liked that he acted very ‘Asian’ – he didn’t jump around stage trying to get attention, was more of a matter-of-fact ’woe is my life I’m Asian’ which I thought was a nice touch. Apparently he’s also a children’s author with a book entitled ‘Thai-riffic‘ which should prove interesting reading.

First of the headliners was Jacques Barrett. His act was extremely clever and he is an absolute natural storyteller. A dab hand with voices and accents, his use of descriptive language and imagery was phenomenal and it simply came alive. I thought he was fantastic. I’ve briefly met him before in passing, so it was such a pleasure to see how electric he was on stage. Interestingly enough, he was the only one to play with a lighting cue.

Daniel Townes was up next and his sweet bumbling stage persona was very the boy-next-door telling you amusing anecdotes about his life. His topic of choice was gaming which is something that as a Zero Punctuation fan I’m very big on. His humour is quite dry and almost surprising from such a unassuming character. A very likeable fellow that you can’t help giggling to when you get to the punchline.

Finally, Mickey D came last. Mickey D is a storyteller with a mix of the incredulous. A very fast talker, he utilises his larger than life presence compounded with hysterical accents and exaggerated facial expressions. He had a more slapstick edge with a very Australian voice. He had the audience in stitches throughout almost his entire routine, he knew how to work the crowd and the stage best and where to press the buttons.

What I find interesting about tonight is that because it was a showcase of three headlining acts, I found the show slightly disconcerting. All their styles were different so it was amazing to see their perspectives on life but there were a few common themes that did crop up – the comics talking about life on the road, some topical issue would be readdressed later on in the night. It is not to say that they weren’t all distinictly humourous in their own right, but having the same idea being  brought up in your head again made it feel a lot more unpolished as a cohesive whole. If the routines where each much more uniquely disparate then I think I would have enjoyed it a lot more.

However, it was a great evening out and gives a great exposure to the comedic talents of Australia.