I’m so fucking tired. Like really really really tired. I went to work at Jeff’s and then went to first day of being nanny, till 7:30pm. I didn’t get home till 9pm. I’m exhausted and now I have to like go shopping for TNTT barbecue tomorrow.

I mean it’s cool and all, I’m starting to earn enough money to get out of debt and hopefully after that to move out on my own, but it’s tiring. And facing TNTT, which is honestly like a part-time job on it’s own. (Too exhausted to drive tonight so I’ve dragged out Chi Hang to take me to the shops. Hey, she volunteered!). Factoring in uni which I will have at least 6-9pm on Friday night at COFA, of which I have never been to the campus and so totally bound to get lost. Not to mention those evil evil evil actuarial subjects.

In a way though the idea is extremely fatiguing, it’s extremely intriguing.

As they say, no pain no gain. But the one I like the best is:
No risk, no prizes.

OMG I am now officially an au pair. I’m going to be looking after a 1 year old named Sam starting from next week! It’s great because it’s from 5pm-8pm which allows me to fit working for Jeff and going to uni. Plus I earn money to bail myself out of debt and hopefully move out in a few months time. YAYNESS

You know, I might even have a chance of surviving this year.

I haven’t posted in MEN SUCK for a while, but I thought I would do it for old times sake.

I saw my ex on Sunday at the Revue Screening. What I absolutely hate is that whenever I see him at a revue even, we act like we barely know each other. It confuses me greatly because it’s so good when we are alone and talk to each other. Granted in the revue group we have different friends and when you really come down to it we don’t know each other very well yet, but I do want to spend some of that time talking to him instead of the hi-and-bye affair we have at the moment.

Well I guess it can be taken that we haven’t really confirmed what level of relationship we are at, what degree of friendship we have yada yada and so he doesn’t want to broadcast anything. He can be very cautious.

While we were dating, my ex and I did ask each other what our fantasies were and we didn’t have anything in particular. Today I had a fantasy of starring my ex, a lot more racy than something I normally would do (being conservative) and I’m tempted to ask him fulfill it. Discussing things with my friend, I know that men when they fantasise about women, it’s just about the sex. The physical sensation, the imagery. However for me, the thing that was the fantasy was his REACTIONS to what I was doing, not that he was doing anything visual or physical in particular.

But it’s back to the power play of our relationship. I don’t really know whether or not we have anything because I am the one who does the calling and the asking. Is he continuing to spend time with me to be polite? Or because he doesn’t want to show a deeper commitment level than he’s ready to give and content to just go with the flow? I could theoretically just ASK the guy instead of agonising about it, and a year ago I would have. Instead I’m playing things safe and trying not to scare the guy away.

David reckons I should find someone who actually loves me because this one ain’t worth it. *shrugs*

On previous exes, Seph and I are like OMG almost friends. Despite our very short lived relationship where I didn’t handle it very well, he and I hugged briefly. YAY! We have progressed from not talking to each other to that in only about 10 months. I’m very pleased. We don’t usually say much to each other but at least it’s friendly. And after being on the TV show, he looks like a total spunk with a new haircut. Hmmm, maybe I should take a picture of it before he outgrows it and then gets too lazy to cut it again.

And on more men suckiness I’m not talking to Eric because I’m still pissed off at him because he told me I’m making him feel claustrophobic. Fine. I won’t call him. But it’s his birthday soon. I might send him a message…. He’s turning 24. Though the bastard last year didn’t go to my birthday party. I’m still vaguely bitter about that.

Kudos to An for the lovely Valentine’s Day we had together. Nothing better than a soppy romantic movie and Chocolate cake to make life feel awesome. Men suck, but girlfriends don’t. Love you Annie!

Well in my kickstart into making some positive changes and fulfilling a list of goals currently on post its on my wardrobe door I’ve changed out of my First Order Logic class and into Design and Computers 1 in COFA – a first year design subject. YAYNESS.

I was bummed out over the weekend hearing back from the insurance place saying that they can’t offer me the job. But today I had an interview with the parents of a 1 year old in a nanny/housekeeper job. The kid is awesome cute. If I can get that job it should stave me off from being in total debt.

Oh, got slightly drunk yesterday. I don’t drink to get drunk, I just need to be really tired and it kicks in. Singing happy songs la la

Saw a pattern in McCall’s pattern book whilst I was at Lincraft today. It’s for a halter neck dress. I’m going to make it in red satin when I get some money (can you believe a pattern is like now 18.50!?!?!). It could potentially turn a man’s head.

Last night I went over to David’s house after having dinner and we sat there chatting about choices, and the courage to make them.

I was kind of down considering my insurance job didn’t follow through. Sometimes I’m scared that Eric’s prophecies about my inability to find a job are coming true. I also get scared because I feel like an utter failure, unable to get out of debt, unable to land a good actuarial job.

So I’ve been thinking about one of things I do want to do, but am horribly afraid to embrace. For the past year I’ve been wanting to go COFA and take a major in textiles. But I’m dead scared. It would be against everything my parents want. I’ve spent the last 4 years of my life training for an insurance job. And I would need the courage to take a stand and do it by myself – with a chance that I can’t make it in the design world at the end of it. The other possibility that I would love to take is NIDA.

So in the meantime, I’m trying to get a job as a nanny (amongst graduate applications for next year), applying for Youth Allowance and procrastinating over cleaning my room.

/me shrugs. This year should prove very interesting indeed.