That’s what my ex said I should do.

“You really need to let go. Seriously, get over it.”

I’m not gong to make a scene (he despises them) though they are what I’m famous for. I’m fairly hurt and depressed at the moment. He has categorically stated that he doesn’t want me at his graduation.

I’m not surprised. I was hopeful, but I knew that there was a 95% Confidence Interval it would come to this.

*sigh* I had worked very hard to be content with what I had – but the bitterness had been creeping up on me knowing that he didn’t appreciate the love I bore for him. And though I now know that it’s over and there is absolutely no hope of resurrecting it, I still can’t take his picture off my door.

All these boys think it’s unhealthy because I can’t let go – if they only realised that the reason why is because they don’t talk to me, they don’t try to resolve our issues before just leaving me out in the cold where they all go and get over it and I can’t. In some ways I’m extremely angry at him, I’m so angry that he doesn’t understand and doesn’t even want to try. Love is so fucking unfair. I’m honest about who I am and what I want – which is as far as I can see, not something these guys can claim.

I don’t have any tears left to cry.

Even though most would say he’s not worth them.

To end it off, here’s the second verse of a song in one of my favourite childhood books “Alone In The Crowd” (one of the Sweet Valley series)

Night after night, I’m saying a prayer
Night after night…that somebody will care!
Somebody to hear me
Somebody to stay near me
But nothing’s going to change. Dreams can’t deceive me
I’m all alone. You’ve got to believe me
I just can’t win
This is how it’s always been
I’m on the outside….looking in

Nick was discussing the other week about being a ‘Revuer’. The whole concept being of course one of those strange people that go to an insane number of social events with the same group of people and hang out at CoC at every available opportunity. And that the whole thing was pretty much centered on how much people wanted to be there and such. There are a lot of people who do Revue, just not everyone is a Revuer. Which makes complete sense.

Thinking about it today, I realise my brother is not part of the group that I would call Bankstown HT. I mean he is one, teaching at Thieu Nhi and stuff and coming to events and such but he’s not part of us the group, socialising with us until the wee morning hours, which is something we almost did today at Anh Trung’s engagement. He does the obligatory calls but that’s it. Maybe because he doesn’t really gel well with anyone – he has to be in the mood to party with us.

I realised how much I like these people. I was like Tim in the early years, being the baby of the group and not knowing how to socially interact with a generation of fobs. But as time has gone by, new people in and me growing close to Christina, Bob and Liz, it has been fantastic. We haven’t really had the quiet long socialising times in ages where we just chat and eat (awww yeah the eating!)

I like the down to earth time I spent with them. However because we do work professionally I do occassionally never want to talk to them for at least a week because I’m so sick of having to talk work every day for the past week (even though I am obsessive compulsive and bring it up at least once in the conversation when seeing them socially).

But for some reason I think my brother will never be one of us. It would of been so nice for him to have been, but I don’t think that it will happen. It’s wonderful that he has progressed so far to stay at TNTT and become a HT but I think that’s as far as it goes.

Well I had a meeting with the Head of the School of Design at COFA on Tuesday (yeah I’ve been too tired to post since then) about the shift in timetable of my Design and Computers 1 class leaving me unable to attend it. I was full of righteous rage about it for ages, but by the time the meeting came around, I wasn’t really angry anymore. I kinda accepted it.

But she was uber nice and we discussed the different perspectives. She then made it up to me by trying to put me in another class next session of similar vein at a time suitable for me. However the best class I wanted to go to is Textiles 1, and she’s letting me in that without the prerequisites required. YAY! I’m so estatic about going to do Textiles 1 next session.

It’s a Fine Arts course run by the school of design, so not quite the Textiles major one, but still, that’s absolutely awesome. If I do get to COFA next year, I get to like credit a whole bunch of subjects.

I still would love to go to NIDA though. We have this new girl in at work – her name is Jenna – who’s really nice. She intends on helping out on CSE Revue this year (yeah!) in costumes. One of her friends got into NIDA. She says the intake is approximately about 5 out of 200. =S I think that thing I like about NIDA is the construction techniques they learn, period costuming, patternmaking, millinery. However with going to Design school, I can do fashion journalism (combining my love of writing weird shit and fasion). The whole thing is interesting.

I think I’ve gotten to the point where I HAVE to try now. It is tempting to just work and earn lots of money. I mean, as a student again for another 3 years, how can I survive? I want to move out.

I intend on moving out this year and have heard some tempting openings at the Lounge and with Nick and Mark. But it’s still too early. I haven’t paid off much of my debt yet, I would have to pay off at least 2/3 before I felt confident of my finances. My paycheck today only covers 1/5 unfortunately and the next one should be even less with April being full of holidays and I need to take some study leave. However I am looking at furniture. I need to know that when I can move out I’ve got the furniture and assets to do it.

Still been missing my beloved. But yeah, keeping busy and thinking about rent and furniture makes it less obsessive. I’m counting down the days till he hits Sydney. =)

I have a heavy heart today. I called my ex down in Melbourne and yeah we had a friendly chat. And I said to him I was embroiled in some big fight and he was like “you always are”. I dunno. That was a comment that I was surprised with. Am I always a person that causes conflict? And is that why he’s not with me?

It makes me very sad to think that. I mean we are becoming more friends, he tells me more stuff now, he has opened up more. It’s like on the same kind of level that he used to talk about himself while we were dating. And he knows that i’m going to persist in bugging him. So he’s certain that he’ll talk to me in the future, he’s certain he’ll see me when he gets back to Sydney. But I always extend the effort.

So I expend a lot of energy and effort. I have been told that relationships should be effortless – or at least feel that way. I guess today I’m feeling the effort more. Maybe I should date other people, like the metaphorical Bruce that David suggests I go see. See what it’s like other than my beloved and make sure that it’s my beloved that sweeps me off my feet.

And there’s that 10 date promise. 10 dates before I would push for more than what we have, a budding friendship. I have yet to go on one since I made that promise. And that’s like six months. Do I have the energy to sustain that? The real question is what will those six months cost me. I’m a very impatient person by nature.

I love keeping busy with my multiple jobs and uni. It gives me less time to dwell on it, I just have the weekends to look forward to potentially communicate with him. I just don’t always get to which dissappoints and depresses me.

At least tomorrow is a working day.

I finished a book late last night, one that my boss’ wife Karen lent me as we have similar reading tastes (trashy novels). It was ‘Dangerous’ by Barbara Taylor Bradford. Normally I like her books, but this one was boderline Virginia Andrews fucked up.

It was about this woman Vivienne’s obssession with the circumstances of her ex husband’s suicide and her quest to find truth. Because only the truth can set her free.

But isn’t that with all obssession? However, studying bloody HSC English there is the whole ‘construct’ of truth can be so manipulated.

It’s called ‘Dangerous’ because they describe the dead ex husband as “Mad, bad and dangerous to know” – dangerous in an emotional sense. Sitting in the bathtub today as per usual thinking of my beloved, I came to the conclusion that the real dangerous person is myself, as I am unable to ever fully see ‘truth’.

I imagine going up to him in a cliche way, give him a come hither look and say softly ‘Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?‘

I’ve been told to be honest to myself and to be certain on what I want from a relationship. And it’s this, I want companionship and love. I expect him to cherish me and enjoy doing things with me, and us to do little things for each other to make us happy. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want to get married and have kids – I always have – but I’m in no rush.

I’ve always been a fighter for relationships and I keep fighting for my beloved. He probably is flattered, but horrified. I don’t know. Or he could potentially not care less.

I don’t want casual sex and I don’t merely wish to have a boyfriend. I can get that if that was all that I really wanted.

What I want though, is to be sitting on his porch step laughing with him about pink being an illogically happy colour. I want to be on top of the hill under the glowing street lights of Kingsford where he tells me he cares for me. I want to lay my head in his lap and read a magazine while he’s coding on his laptop. I want him to close the blinds in that way of his before he approaches to even kiss me. I want to be sitting on his lap on a park bench. And I want to hear his voice whispering in my ear.

Maybe it’s all just crap and I’m wasting my time sitting here alone with my memories and the only truly dangerous person in all this is myself.