I’ve had a couple of weeks where things were a bit too much. With my car accident, I had to add 3 hours per day of public transport goodness, I’ve had a major TAFE assessment due, doing costumes for Angus’ play, TNTT had a picnic plus my usual teaching, extra Sam Sam babysitting and losing my purse with some locker keys in it. I was just so incredibly stressed out. I’d plop into bed completely exhausted to only get up early the next morning and do it again. I couldn’t have ‘unproductive time’ so to speak – I spent all my procrastination time learning how to knit – because I couldn’t trust myself to fall asleep and not wake up again in time.

But everything is okay now – I’ve gotten my assignment marked (in fact I was the only one who finished it), Ness and mum have been a real darlings helping me with the costumes (the show is next week I urge you all to see it!), I’m taking the weekend off TNTT this Sunday and somehow I’ll replace those keys. It will all be okay.

I managed to meet up with Jeff and he offered to give me work during University exam seasons – but it’s unlikely I’ll take him up on it. I got into Centrelink and put in my Youth Allowance claim through. I hope everything works out and I can support myself during TAFE. I did tell my mother about TAFE though. I downplayed it’s importance in my life. She was surprisingly cool about it. I think she’s realised that she really can’t stop me because I show such love for all this stuff. Plus, I think she feels safer that I’m interested in fashion design as opposed to becoming a costume maker which she feels like is too close to what she’s doing. My mother earns very little money as an outworker. But she continues to struggle to make ends meet that way.

Ness told me to slow down and pick and choose. Because I don’t want to be a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. Though I do love every thing that I do, I seem to be a workaholic, taking more and more and in the end losing myself. I’ve spent the last 2 days catching up on my sleep and just being me – reading romance novels and daydreaming. That’s not to say I haven’t been keeping up with my TAFE work!

TAFE has been absolutely fantastic. It’s more than I’ve ever dreamed it would be. I’m so keen to learn and I’m doing really well in all my classes. It feels really good to feel like I’m not a complete moron like when I’m in my accounting class. The only criticism I got for my assignment was that I can’t draw (and I really really can’t) but that’s something that I should improve on in the next class. I’m a bloody workaholic, I try and stay on top of everything and I’m so competitive with my work. I regularly work through recess and lunch not wanting to waste a precious minute. That’s not to say I don’t have my bad days. Machining Mondays is my worst day of the week. It’s literally a sweatshop and I get so frustrated when I can’t fix tension problems on my machine or when I have dragging seams in my limp fabric which need to be unpicked and done again.

My classmates are less fantastic. The really nice people that I’ve made friends with are leaving in June as they think this is not the industry they want to be in. Jo and Sara are really lovely girls and they want to do childcare and teaching instead. My teachers often acknowledge the quality of my work and a few of the girls in my class keep taking my folders and books to look through it and some are just blatantly copying it. It makes me quite annoyed – I slave really hard to maintain a high standard of work and people just copy down my answers. I think it’s quite backhanded to give me a compliment and say that ‘you’re really smart’ and then take my books because they say I am and given it’s a pass/fail course, pass on my merits and not theirs.

One thing I’ve noticed at TAFE is the complete lack of motivation of some people. There is a girl in my class who never turns up – thinking that she could really whizz ahead having doing Cert III last year and that ‘TAFE doesn’t understand that people have lives’. She’s a nice girl, but she’s a pensioner living off the government due to a disability. But I think her attitude is misguided. If she could whizz ahead, why doesn’t she and then go home early and do her thing? She’s in real danger of being kicked out of the class due to non-attendance. The only major thing in her life is moving home and many people do that without detriment to their participation in the workforce. I guess it’s been a real eye-opener to me. Meeting people who are nice people, but on the same hand completely stupid. I’ve never deluded myself in thinking I have any real skill and drive in Actuarial Studies. When I do fail I know it’s because I didn’t care enough to pass.

My teachers however are lovely, lovely people. Jean is hilarious and a perfectionist expecting me to give nothing but my best, Sue can get grumpy at times but has a heart of gold and Saffron, well, she’s a nice gal. Saffron has a good eye, but she’s not a terribly fantastic teacher. I find some of her lessons uninspiring. Sue is my ideal teacher in many respects. She only slows down if she has to, gives very clear and precise directions. In fact, my teaching style is probably like hers! Since doing TAFE part time I’m missing out on 2 days a week worth of work. I appealed to Sue Supple (the other Sue) to see if I could do the computer course on the side or something. Sue as head of school spoke to me yesterday about fitting everything in in the one year. She’s going to give me tutoring in Grading on Friday afternoons after Design Processes which she says is dead easy and less challenging than Patternmaking and Sue Supple is going to feed me the work and I just bring it into her on USB and get it ticked off. For Construction, Sue is going to arrange the Diploma students Advanced Construction next semester on the Certificate IV day off so I could sit in the back of the class and she can give me lessons while the Diploma students are doing their work. I’m so excited about all of it.

I’ve been computerising all my notes – I’ve self learnt the rudimentary tools in InDesign. After using InDesign I really really hate MS Word – it was pure groan when Sue Supple handed me the past 6 weeks worth of computing assignments and the top page was ‘Make A Title Page using MS Word’. I can do it – but it’d look so much nicer if I have all the tools in InDesign at my disposal! TAFE can’t afford to use Adobe as their major design studio package, you have to buy the Fashion Toolkit for Adobe Illustrator. I would buy it, if it weren’t $500USD! . They get Artist (a little known fashion package) for free which means I’m going to have to stay back late on Friday evenings just to keep up with Computing as it’s installed in the library.

If you couldn’t tell, I am very happy at TAFE. Things aren’t too bad at home at the moment despite I heard something really disturbing. Quynh has asked me to send a lot of groceries to the UK. My brother was like ‘what, they don’t have Asian grocery stores there?’ I’m teaching myself to knit, I have my lovely car back to drive me to places and I’ve been really good at keeping things up to date at TNTT.

In some really happy news, Em, who was with me doing NIDA Costume Making and part of our dubious trio of angels sent me a lovely card and a present! It’s a little dressmaking shears charm on a silver chain! I’m wearing it right now and I don’t mean to take it off unless it’s necessary. It’s a gorgeous little thing. It’s kind of funny. My dad wears a crucifix on a necklace to show his religion and now I have a pair of scissors to represent mine =D.

I got a postcard from David when he was in Japan competing in ACM. I have it on my door now. It was a very touristy.  I even rang Eric the other night and had a good long chat with him – but as time has gone on, I really appreciate the paths we take in life and how he and I no longer walk in the same direction.

So there you have it folks, until next time!

Well I had a car accident today. It was really stupid. I was distracted by another car trying to turn into the street rather precariously, I hadn’t seen the car in front of me completely come to a stop for the roundabout. I knew we were approaching the roundabout so I was travelling rather slowly. I managed to scratch the paint on their bumper and then bust my own headlight and dent the front bumper and hood on mine.

So I went home and told my parents. They completely flipped out as per course.

I find the interesting thing is that the first thing they said was “Of course you prioritise Thieu Nhi in your life so much to the exclusion of everything else, and you had to go photocopy blah blah blah blah blah” they went on about how I’m a lousy student, a lousy daughter in general and how sick and tired they are of dealing with my problems. There is never any question of concern for my welfare or anything. And funnily enough, I was doing photocopy for my assignments – but never mind that of course.

I know I’m accident prone. I’ve had on average a small accident once every year and a half. Yes, I am indeed a stupid female Asian driver. My accidents aren’t huge pile ups, just careless mistakes of different variations. I had one due to not checking my blind spot, and one due to fatigue. I’ve learnt from these, I always check my blind spot and if I’m tired, I pull over and take a power nap. I totally miss having someone to call and pour out my woes and have the first thing they ask me is ‘Are you okay?’

Of course I have to now clean my room as a peace offering and that in no uncertain terms am I allowed to drive my dad’s car. Ever.

Sigh.

I feel like crap.

My new favourite song of the moment is “Just So You Know” by Jesse McCartney.

I’m sure my friends who have ‘taste in music’ (or so they claim) would think it’s pure sterotypical pop drivel.

I haven’t been blogging much in recent times due to my hectic schedule and now I’m home on a Saturday night, the first I’ve been home for many days now.

I guess I just wanted to tell the internet about my life tonight.

I am 23 years old, and currently a Certificate IV in Clothing Production student at TAFE, Macquarie Fields campus. I’m studying this as a career change whilst I finish my degrees in Actuarial Studies and Computer Science. I work as an au pair after school care for an adorable 2 year old Sam whom I love to bits, but they live at the opposite side of Sydney to Macquarie Fields necessitating a lot of driving. I volunteer for an organisation “Phong Trao Thieu Nhi Thanh The Viet Nam” that undertakes to help Vietnamese Catholics to become better Christians in a structured learning environment – I am currently Vice Principal of my particular school. I’ve started volunteering for the “Bankstown Theatrical Society” where I do odd sewing bits and bobs for their costumes department. I volunteer for various Revues at UNSW where I am finishing my degrees and was my home for many years.

I have a family that I find difficult to live with. I also have not much extended family in Australia. My siblings and I have a better relationship as we have gotten older, but my elder sister has moved to England leaving me and my younger brother having to deal with our parents. I have no great respect for my parents due to various contributing factors though I understand what has made them to be the people they are and the sacrifices and choices they’ve made in life. I still live at home – mainly out of necessity now I’ve hit poverty due to my career change and restarting studying.

And for all these things I am quite fulfilled and satisfied with in my life. I’m so incredibly busy with TAFE, Uni, Work, TNTT, BTS and sundry other things as well as keeping up with the social scene. But for the hours of 10:30pm to midnight on some nights where the time I have is my own – I feel kinda sad.

In the past year I’ve lost two of my closest friends. I would call An sporadically waiting to hear about sales, gossip and all that jazz. I would usually ring David and bitch about my day to him. I no longer do this due to various reasons. In my heart I miss them very much though our severing of communications has happened. I particularly miss David – he was my support, my cheerleader, my sounding board and my best friend.

I went to ‘Lump’ – a Christian music and prayer evening at a Chinese Christian Church in Westmead with my previous co-worker Andrew. I probably embarrassed Andrew heaps with my weird personality as I have embarrassed David many a time. I really enjoyed the evening – but I had a moment that I think is so overly melodramatic that it’s only ever happened in teen shows/flicks that I’ve watched. There was this song that we were singing and I don’t quite remember what it was (I’ll have to ask Andrew) and it really moved me. It was a song about Christ being the person you rely on or something. And it reminded me of David. I started crying and I just had to get out of there so the pain wouldn’t overwhelm me – so I ran out the double doors that had streamers in the doorway and out of the building to sit on the street curb and cry. Of course this wasn’t the movies so I didn’t have someone to pick me up but myself. After a short while, I cleaned myself up and went back inside. Regrets struck me as I wished that I wasn’t there with Andrew but with David and that I had taken him up on his offers to go to his church socials back in the day when we were friends. I find it hard because that loss of my relationship with David, I feel true grief for. I try and not let it bother me and ignore it, but sometimes it bites me. Like when I walk past him on the line and I don’t feel like I should even say hello because it will all be a farce anyway so I don’t.
In recent times I’ve become very self sufficient. At TAFE I don’t really identify with my fellow classmates and I normally try to work through breaks or read books on fashion. I have to be so bloody careful with time management now that I am constantly moving and never really pausing because I have assignments, tutorial homework, volunteer obligations. And I feel alone. I notice that I often set myself apart, simply because I find it difficult dealing with people. And when I’m working and focussing on things I really just don’t want to be near people.

Today I went hiking in Wollongong and I just wanted to break out and go ahead – I didn’t want to talk whilst hiking except for random comments here and then. I was intent on focusing on getting to my destination and getting through the track and though I enjoyed the effort of walking through the bushy areas, the social aspect of going with the other TNTT HTs just went past me. I went on holiday with Katoomba and being forced into a weekend with two other people, I started getting annoyed and had to take time out and just not talk to either of them.

But I no longer have a best friend to call and bitch about my day. And though I encounter so many people during the course of the day – I don’t really want to deal with them but I come home and I want someone special to share my day with. I find it difficult at times.

I said to Nancy last night after coming home from a party that the boyfriend Alex was two years ago was the boyfriend that I want now. I’m so busy I hardly have time to even see a boyfriend. And when I was getting annoyed by having to be forced to socialise with people, I missed Alex’s company because I didn’t need to talk to him at all. I could hang with him and not say anything and that was fine. I admire his self sufficiency. Nancy called it having a ’60% boyfriend’. But he’s probably not the same person now that he was two years ago just as I am no longer the same girl. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still hung up about him.

However I still have the strength to carry on – my life is full of things that are wonderful. I always have TV and listening to Jesse McCartney. I notice now that because I’m so busy with all my TAFE work that I don’t hang out much on the internet anymore. I keep track of .social because it’s fun reading but I’m not inclined to sit there and meaninglessly chat – and I don’t even miss it at all which is weird considering it was my chief occupation even 3 months ago. But it’s the people that I miss that I realise that are the most important to me and the good people who though aren’t very close to me are wonderful influences in my life.

Just so you know:

David, I still love you very much.

Alex, I think about you often and though it hurts me because you don’t talk to me unless I so happen to say something to you, I still care. I would love another chance with you, but it’s probably for the best that my chance went by a long time ago.

Nancy, thank you for being the awesomest girlfriend a girl can have even with your c-blocking.

Jen, you are always so sensible and making sense of everything that I’m too blind to see. I hope you continue to be my voice of reason!

Nicholas, you make me feel like a beautiful person. It’s a very precious gift. *huggles*

Sundry thanks to my girlfriends Sharon, Vanessa and Viet Anh! You guys are definitely wonderful influences.

And to you internet, thank you for letting me share with you.