I spent the weekend at TNTT camp – a teacher training camp for Lv 1 and Lv 2 HT. I’m technically a Lv 2 but I’m taking Lv 3 training now, so I went as a kitchen hand. I was not terribly excited about going to start with, when it takes an entire weekend and the job description doesn’t sound particularly exciting, it’s not something that you really want to commit to. I had thought my brother was going to come and considering his birthday was on Thursday, I thought we could do cake and stuff. Tim however decided he’d rather go elsewhere and had his birthday at Bondi Beach on Saturday instead at camp. I had tickets to the ballet which I passed up to Viet Anh and I grudgingly (to help out Chi Hang) went along.

I learnt a bit more about Asian cooking, learning how to make Red Bean Desert (apparently 3 bags of sugar is way too much) and was explained the process in which how to make Congee. Nghia came up on Sunday to make lunch and I saw him in action in the kitchen. I was his helpful gopher, fetching things, washing things, moving things for him. He’s very masterful in the kitchen. Plus, I saw his way of making deep fried tofu cubes. I want to make some myself now!

But the camp was really relaxing and fantastic. Sure I grudgingly made eggs for breakfast and scoured pots, but they had an all time low in numbers with only 16 camp partcipants and about that number in helpers. Even though Chi Ly had turned up two hours late, everyone was really chilled out and we just took things as they came instead of rushing around and pushing time and timetables as they normally do. When Viet Anh came up on Saturday I disappeared off with her into the bushes for a few hours for a short bushwalk and a long conversation (most of which consisted of me saying stupid things and her laughing at me).

A bit of it was like meeting my fellow HT for the first time. I mean I recognised everybody’s faces, it *was* a Lv 1 and 2 camp, but until now I haven’t had much of an opportunity to really get to know them. I spent long hours talking to Phuong, Dom, Anh Cuong and Anh Thao. I even had a conversation with Minh when he came to pick us up and I guess at TNTT we’re often so busy, we kind of forget each other. Too much to do etc. I didn’t even know that Dom has had a girlfriend for the past two years and I’ve known him for at least one of those years!

I had unexpected conversations with people. Someone told me about their beliefs that was so close to agnosticism that it was pretty strange to hear at a TNTT camp. I also flirted outrageously, in a way I thought I’d never be able to at a TNTT camp. It was naughty and hell of a lot of fun. I also felt the most Vietnamese at that camp that I have ever felt in a long time. I mean I prefer not to be called by my Vietnamese name and talk in English, but it was really kind of cool in an almost old fashioned way to look up to a guy and call him ‘Anh’ and have them call me ‘Em’. I kind of spoke more Vietnamese without even noticing it until I reflect back onto it now.

I think it was a camp that I felt the most comfortable in. Not being an active participant, I didn’t have to feel too uncomfortable considering my faith issues. I slept on the cold ground next to the fire, stayed up incredibly late to chat with the guys and woke up incredibly early to make breakfast. It was a really lovely way to spend the weekend.

Last night I was supposed to meet up with Nicholas, but unfortunately he feel ill and couldn’t make it. Due to me forgetting to charge my mobile phone, I didn’t realise this until the time it was to meet him and I turned on the phone with whatever battery I had left. It ended up dying when Nicholas told me he couldn’t come which was unfortunate because for a little while Nicholas thought I had hung up in a huff when I was completely okay about it.

But being all dressed up, having gone to the trouble to find parking in Newtown (which believe me is no joke) I decided to go out by myself. I went to Thai Pothong, a restaurant on King St. It seemed rather conspicuous to be going to dinner by myself. The waitress gave me a table by the window, initially for two, but the plate was taken away.

About the food, it was nothing to write home about. I’ve had a lot better food. Though I did ponder about something. With teriyaki chicken, I can immediately tell the difference whether or not it was good or if it was crap. I can’t tell that with panang curry. They are both dishes that I must eat at least once when I visit a different Thai or Japanese restuarant, but the Panang Curry, it’s always just that bit spicy that I can’t really say if it was crap or fantastic. I had stuffed chicken wings as an entree, but seriously my mother made better ones approximately 10 years ago. We received a completely deboned duck stuffed with glutinuous rice stuffing for Christmas which was a hell of a lot better. It also made me think about upscaling this years Turducken.

I think the waiters kind of pitied me. There was one waiter who kept hovering over me solicituously and he put the rice bowl out early even though my main course hadn’t even arrived yet. Maybe to fill the space on the other side of the table.

It’s funny how conscious you are of time when you have nothing to fill it with. I observed some of the customers and there was a customer on the other side who was also dining alone, but he had a book with him. He was dressed very casual, very ‘I’m only here to eat the good food kthxbai’ kind of attitude.

I stared unseeingly out the window, and the guy leaning next to it kind of got really self conscious and moved away even though I wasn’t actually looking at him. He smiled very nervously when he realised I didn’t have a dinner partner.

After that I headed home.

The other one time where I made a decision to keep going out by myself despite having no one to go with was last year to the ballet. I had an extra ticket but I didn’t find someone to go with me. For some reason, the glaringly empty seat next year made me feel slightly discomfited though you’re thinking ‘not having someone to go out with shouldn’t stop me from experiencing life’. I’ve been to museums by myself and I’ve gone to cinemas by myself. One thing when I do say to friends ‘yeah I’m going to the movies on my own’ they are like ‘Why aren’t you going with someone?’

I started doing these kind of things when Eric and I stopped dating. The whole knowing ‘I can do things by myself and I can enjoy it damnit’. I think I only really get sad when I expected to go with someone initially otherwise I can take on the world. But in response to the cinema, I kind of like the cinema on my own. Nobody to talk incessantly through it and to simply concentrate on the movie. (And no Jen, this is not an excuse to not go to the cinema with me).

I guess I’m just wondering at how it is necessary as a human to feel the need for social interaction. Why is it so important that people will feel weird if you are obviously alone or that it is weird that you intend on doing it alone?

I also think that it’s strange about how much company we want to have. I generally like the whole two people together kind of thing. You sit there, watch a movie, chat about random things maybe. And parties can be awesome seeing a whole bunch of people that you either don’t know or don’t get to see very often. Some people seem to thrive on massive crowds, it bewilders me at times. But in a way I can sort of understand because when a large group of people are focussed in the same direction, it can be very powerful. Look at church.

*sigh* I pondered much on my own last night. And consequently being single, I blog about it.

I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older, I don’t have as many male friends as I do female, as opposed to my youth, where I kept trying to make friends that were boys. Maybe because in my youth I was so interested in boys and wanted to find a guy that was right for me. And though I spend much of my time in the company of boys nowadays (what do you expect in the CSE faculty) my close friends are almost exclusively girls.

I was told in my high school days (I forgot who did, it was probably Tina or Sharon) that there’s no such thing as a platonic relationship. There’s always a fundamental level of attraction, a kinship of sorts that tips you over the edge of completely platonic. In the end it’s all about boundaries and which ones you draw up that define your relationship. If they have a partner or if you do, the boundary is drawn up in that you won’t feel something for them that is usually reserved for another person, but in that you have to make almost a conscious decision to limit your relationship.

In the spectrum of relationship attraction from exclusively female to exclusively male I am unabashedly heterosexual. I am not even in the remote way bi-curious. So in sharing with a female, I can’t fall ‘in love’ with them so to speak. So my female friends and I just chat with no holds barred and enjoy each others company.

But I have two very close male friends. And though them currently having partners, there is a concious understanding that there is a line that I may never cross. One I was the one who drew the line simply because there was no point in entering a romantic relationship when you knew there was too much trouble lying ahead in agreeing with a very important fundamental point of view of the world. And confronted with the same situation I would probably still make the same decision. Now as I am today I would definitely make the same decision. Not having the same fundamental point of view of the world though interesting would make life in the end incredibly difficult.

It’s like at TNTT. The HT already have clashes because we think differently – but in the end it all works out because we have the same point of view – the kids come first foremost and always.

When this friend got a girlfriend it was heart-wrenching. Because it was hard because suddenly he drew these boundaries that I couldn’t breach and it took me a very long time to be able to work things out with him – and we eventually worked it out because I didn’t want to lose a good friend just because I was an obstinate idiot. No point being an adolescent about things considering I’m no longer an adolescent (yay for being in my mid 20s). And though I had drawn a line to begin with that I was not going to pursue a romantic relationship with him, I still loved him very deeply. And in that time period when we were both single, it was like he was my surrogate boyfriend.

The other, he drew the line first. He has a girlfriend. But I fell in love with him anyway which led to much tears, jealousy and confusion on my part. We’re now really good friends, but I can’t help but to say a little part of me still adores him very much.

I just find it interesting that the issues I had with these guys wouldn’t of happened if they were girls to start with.

I’m about to embark on a new female-male relationship. The boundaries have already been drawn with us clearly being ‘just friends’. But still I can’t help but feel a sense of trepidation.

I’ll probably ring the girls tonight.

So the vulture has had to turn into a rock.

How long does it take for moss to grow?

I think as time as gone by I’ve definitely become a bit more philosophical about the way things work out. Is it because I’m in no rush to lose myself into obsession? Or maybe because I’ve become sufficiently selfish enough to not want to invest unless I get a return? (Oh how corrupting you are, capitalist society!)

It’s weird.

One thing I do have a tendency to do is to call my ex-boyfriends to thank them for all the things they said when they were in the process of dumping me. Because some (not all) were actually home truths that I wasn’t sufficiently mature enough to recognise. The process of recognising these home truths may take a few years, but it would be foolish to not recognise it simply due to obstinacy as I didn’t like the way it was dealt out.

In the past month, I’ve called two of my ex-boyfriends to thank them for their little bits of wisdom. I find it kind of funny how they feel slightly awkward about it. It’s also in a way in my mind, of mending fences. To in way say you know, I’m kind of cool with how things worked out, in a way glad that we are no longer together and that I, at least have learnt something positive from the relationship.

I’ve always been the chaser, the one who usually freely hands the power of a relationship to my boyfriends. And in this process, become the submissive one taking any scraps of affection and being pitifully grateful for it. And for the longest time I saw absolutely no problem with it.

I guess it’s all in the process of getting older and supposedly being ‘more mature’ and seeing what your mistakes are.  Also to recognise what ‘mistakes’ you are willing to make again.

I’m not quite sure I’m going with this – I just know that I’ve learnt a few things on the way.