Song of the Day: Krystal Meyers – The Way To Begin

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while.

Well the girlfriend from Uni who stopped talking to me, she wrote a long, vitrolic email in response. I had made a mistake in our friendship and she felt that I wasn’t paying adequate attention to her being wrapped up in my own world. So I wrote a long heartfelt reply and I left a small present for her at her doorstep with her mother and sat back. She hasn’t responded. No acknowledgement of my existence, no thanks, nothing. It’s like I’m a complete non-entity.

I am aware that I am at fault in her eyes. And I am incredibly sorry to have made a mistake in our friendship. But I think what I’m most unhappy about is that she thinks I don’t care. I do care. But I’m not exactly the most tactful person. I usually need to be bludgeoned to the point (max points to Jen on bludgeoning skillz).

The sad thing about her not resuming and semblance of a relationship with me is her inability to forgive. I have lost friends before – I lost one back in first year due to my indiscreet, big mouth. And it hurt and haunted me for many months. But I have thought about it. If this person, the closest of all to me in a certain group of people has so easily turned her back towards me, what kind of people am I hanging out with? I thought about the people I hang with. They are people that I can amiably sit with have a chat with. But no one would really miss me if I was gone. And the only person whom I thought would, doesn’t appear to. So what am I left with?

Not much.

A year and a half on, I’m more willing to break out and leave. I’ve said so often after many conflicts, but now is the right time to. The right time to move on. Another part of it of course is because I keep falling into traps with my university friends. I have developed calluses around my heart towards relationships and I have lost much of my innocence and idealism. Though becoming realistic is important – have I done it in the right way? Can the young girl that I was forgive the person I am today for what I have done to her?

I’ve taken some time off lately, reading novels and such. On Tuesday when I hid from everyone and read novels, I cried my eyes out. Everyone at uni pays me out for reading them, ridiculing my romanticism and my ‘unreal expectations’. I’ve had enough screwed up relationships to know what’s real. But I guess is it so unreal to expect true love? And I don’t mean the whole ‘fall in love in a glance’ thing. But the kind of love where you work at your relationships, to forgive each other when you fail to live up to expectations.

I’ve expected less and less from people as time has gone on. To give up easily because I think it is a lost cause, and be content with it. But why on earth should I be content with it? I want friends who love me. I want to stability in my life. And I don’t feel like things are all quite stable.

I’m sick of people who don’t care. And I see it in the face of my friend and in the face of the man I love. There’s no need to stick around to keep looking at it and watch it disintegrate more of my ideals, my expectations of people and my ability to love. Viet Anh has even recommended me in recent times that I seek out more ‘wholesome’ entertainment. Viet Anh and Hang and Ngoc, they really care about me. They worry about me, they accept me for who I am and they encourage the good things, like dedication and not encourage the ‘realism’ that I have developed.

What’s the worst that could happen? I miss a few parties. And I might open myself up to real possibilities of friendship and love. Maybe to find the little girl inside and ask her to forgive me.

I used to say many times that my Sunday School friends are responsible for the adult that I had become. They taught me the value of hard work, to cook, to clean, to look after children and differentiate between the battles worth fighting for. But I lost my way. I developed a cynical logic and a more sarcastic, bitter view of the world. I gave up a lot of things that used to mean a lot to me. And I’m not quite happy that I did. I think my relationship with my parents has seriously deteriorated because of it too. I do admit some of the things my parents have done have raised my insolence a lot. But it probably shouldn’t have reached the level that it has. I need to be able to forgive them for being the overprotective people that they are – and not just feel like my parents should be what other peoples parents are like. My relationship with them has gotten really bad. After speaking to Eric last time, I know that my ideas of family obligation hasn’t disappeared. I need to restore not just my sense of self, but my sense of family.

That last camp where I realised that I was making friends for the first time with people I had known for years has encouraged me. I’ve been making a real concerted effort with my Sunday School friends. Most of my university friends scoff at the thought at their naive Christianity, but they are people with real heart. I get frustrated with them at times – they don’t have the sharp, sarcastic wit of the uni people that I enjoy, but these are people who I’ve grown up with. I am at a loss at times. I don’t have a set ‘group’ of friends at Sunday School preferring to have intimate associates instead of groups. The last dinner I went out with the Bankstown HT highlighted that. I’m much more comfortable in geeky, philosophical discussions as opposed to the latest fashions (funny that, considering I am now a fashion student). I made a joke that would of been immediately been picked up by my uni friends but fell so incredibly flat with them. (It was actually embarrassing how flat it fell…)

But I persevere. Because I know that these people, though that we not might be completely comfortable with each other, I know that they hold beautiful hearts. It takes a lot to be able to give up your weekend for the sake of a cause. And though I’ve spoken a lot about retirement to people, I’m now thinking ‘why should I?’ Most of my friends at uni think it’s a big waste of time. But I waste my time doing something I love. And yes, the kids can be a bit bratty at times. But I’ve been doing this for so long. I love my kids. I love the work that I do. I do need a sabbatical to reassess my priorities and my faith. But I should not be completely closed to the idea of returning. My contribution to it is worth something – it’s not a waste of time. As opposed to spending a lot of time doing stuff with people who do not necessarily appreciate me.

I went out last night with my Nang Hong XI Cap III mates. Just the Sydney crew. It was fantastic. Ok, so it was a bit weird considering the innate fobbiness of the group and that they didn’t know any English songs at Karaoke whatsoever. It was good company and good fun. I do want to say how much I love my Cap III mates. I really respect their dedication to Thieu Nhi to have made it that far, and not only that, to want to continue their development as a HT and not just stay back and ‘have fun’ so to speak. It was a great way to end a tediously long Lien Doan BQT meeting. We are all equal photo opportunists. We just passed my camera around taking stupid photos of us dancing at Karaoke.

Inside, I still hold very Christian values. For a while I have been completely amoral. And I thought there was nothing wrong with that. But I know David was really disturbed by it – and I recognise that I should be too. Though it may take a strong logic and strong dose of evangelism for me to believe again, I have to be able to look at it with an open mind and an open heart – one of which I haven’t had for a very long while, and at this moment I’m not sure exactly which one was missing.

I think I need to start with a prayer. I haven’t prayed for a very long time. But I will pray here, and I hope you will join me and understand, even if you do not necessarily hold strong to the precept of faith in God.

Dear Lord,
I pray that I can figure this all out and find what it is that I am looking for. I hope to seek what it is, and I ask You for Your guidance. I’m not sure yet what form of God that You are, but I hope You shall emancipate me from the chains that have bound me in the recent past.
Give me the strength to see it through and to not lose my way as I have done. I beseech You to help find forgiveness in the hearts of the people that I have hurt, as I beg Yours.
Thank You for this opportunity for me to find You and to find all the things that have been missing from my life. It will turn all right in the end, I know it will.
Amen.

I get so freaking annoyed with most of my Sunday School friends at times. The whole ‘ewww don’t take a photo of me’ kind of attitude they have and then they freak out when I put these photos on my flickr site. Being the kind of people they are, there is no real ‘incriminating’ photos as such because they are all kind of conservative in behaviour. When I take photos, it’s kind of fun and harmless. It’s bizarre. I take photos because I want to remember people. I like candid shots because I want to remember them the way they are, and not some posed photo that I have stacks of from back in my high school days where I don’t even remember what their names are.

I have a very poor memory. I tend to remember what people say to me, but not who said it or in what context. And as years go on, I forget names, places and events. I regularly browse the photos on my flickr site and on my computer to remind myself of a few of the good times I’ve had.

But despite the fact there is a lack of incriminating evidence so to speak, the conservatism of my Sunday School friends take over. Most of them have threatened me to some degree because of the photos I have and they get all embarrassed and flustered. They want me to take the photos down. But when they look at the pictures, they also derive memories from them as well as and have a good look at everything else that went on. I find it hypocritical. They don’t want pictures of them up, but they totally want to see pictures of everyone else. But if EVERYONE is like this, then there would be no pictures up. Anywhere.

“Uh! Not a photo of me in a bikini!”. Like seriously, if you are willing to wear a bikini at a public beach and walk around the the beach and the associated carpark that scantily clad, then why are you know so conservative now there is a photo of you in one? And seriously there are way more hotter photos of other girls in bikinis and guys in boardshorts that any random person would bypass my little corner of cyberspace to something more stimulating.

But of course, it’s like a photo of THEM and hence I have to respect their wishes of privacy. I just find it slightly inane. I have no wish to take down photos of an event that I enjoyed and took photos at because I want to share it with my friends. They only attack me because they ‘know’ that I do it. But if there was someone else who was as camera happy as me and they took random pics and they posted it in a site that they didn’t know about then would they care?

I just find it highly annoying.

Another thing that I find hilarious is that a lot of people at Sunday School do peer pressure others. And as a result people may do some weird things. But if you take a photo of it and post it on the internet it’s not okay! But it’s TOTALLY OKAY to peer pressure into doing that in the first place… and totally okay to talk about it and laugh about it… but you know, it’s not totally okay to take a photo and post it up on your webpage… I dunno, maybe I shouldn’t blog about it or something…

A problem that I must admit I normally have a problem with is that I get very stubborn and rigid in my viewpoints. A few people have pointed this out recently and said I should have a live and let live attitude. Especially when it comes to religion. I get myself worked up because it is a topic that I do have a definite opinion on and it frustrates me when people can not construct clearly thought out arguments.

But today I’m not blogging about religion.

I’ve mentioned before that I don’t believe in completely platonic relationships. And that relationships are about boundaries, what you are willing to give way at and which doors you keep firmly shut. As I have grown older, my relationships have grown increasingly complex and to maintain fluidity, my relationship boundaries aren’t as rigid as they used to be.

Maybe it’s because I’m single – and I’m willing to love my other male friends very deeply though they can not offer me a dedicated relationship in return. I can definitely see that I do love them but whereas before in my rigid youth, I might have considered this a completely bad thing, I’ve come to the conclusion that my feelings for them are precisely that, my feelings.  Just because they have boundaries, doesn’t mean I necessarily have to draw them emotionally for myself. I have no romantic expectations of them, just expect that they treat me as they always have and I do not want anything to change in their relationship with their partner, but equally our relationship has developed naturally and is nothing that I need to feel shame for.

It’s a big thing for me to be able to see that. I know that while I was dating Eric, I wouldn’t even look at another boy. But on the same token, if I got a boyfriend now, I would be very unwilling to lose the friendship I have with my male friends even though it pushes a few boundaries of emotion that a boyfriend would necessarily be comfortable with. I am not suggesting that I would like to have a polyamorous relationship – I do believe in coming home to one single person and sharing myself with them.

Jen told me the other day that some people, when they get partners seem to think that their friends are ‘expendable’. Now that they’ve got their ‘ultimate friend’, they no longer need to maintain their other friendships or even put the same degree of effort. Hearing that made me feel rather sad. I know that eventually I will end up having a boyfriend at some stage, but I don’t want to lose my friends. There is something about having friends that make me feel very loved. The intimate nature and complex emotion of my friendships highlight that. Having a boyfriend is tricky. I would like them to stick around forever but as I have found out, that’s not as true as I’d like it to be. Though I’d like to keep a dialogue with said ex boyfriends, I know that it’s not as easy as I would want it to be. However with ‘ordinary’ friends, because such emotional investment has not been made (and potentially failed), that maintenance of that intimacy isn’t as difficult.

Thinking this way has changed my viewpoint on adultery somewhat. I have a much more ‘strict’ definition on adultery than simply ‘having a sexual affair’. (The Christian Separatist has a very interesting article on the subject of adultery and inter-racial mixing.) I think it’s very important to keep an open dialogue with your friends and your partner. But I think it has to be in a way that everyone is happy. My feelings for a certain person doesn’t change the intensity of my feelings for another person. But if everyone communicates their feelings and no one is left in the dark and feels uncomfortable the is no reason to not have an interesting array of complex friendships.

Well that’s how I feel today. And it somewhat surprises me.

There’s someone I’ve met recently that I enjoy flirting with. I have lots of fun with him, I enjoy making him squirm at times and I hit on him with a relentlessness that I usually reserve. It’s all word byplay, in the environment where we meet, I can’t touch him except in the most casual way so physical affection and cues are usually withdrawn.

When I’m with him, unless it comes up in conversation, I usually forget about my ex. And despite he is definitely not as cute as some guys I’ve dated, there’s something about him that reminds me of Eric. Maybe it’s his outrageous convservatism on some matters – it seems at odds to his dirty sense of humour.

Stepping back and away, I think that I really just want to have fun for a little while. Not have something completely serious (and sometimes I can’t take him seriously) but given that he fits in a few particular social norms in my life I wouldn’t rule out something serious if it worked out that way.

Talking to Jen the other day, Jen hit me a little (at my instigation) and told me that an advisable course of action is to stop hanging out with the Revue crowd as much. I agree with her assessment, considering that it will inevitably end up in a course of confusion and horrible feelings.  Jen is nothing if not the voice of sanity and reason.

I’ve let out a maelstrom of feelings and admitted to them to myself. I might be interested in this guy because it’s all on the rebound. Who knows. But for the first time in a couple of weeks, I don’t feel like a complete and utter train wreck. I feel young, daring and optimistic.

There are many ways to crash and burn. I think it’s time that I took the bus instead, the scenery isn’t as great, but the radio is great to listen to and it’ll be a safer ride.

Dreams last for so long, even after you’re gone.
I’m crazy for you, touch me once and you know it’s true.
You hurt me through and through, but you can have your way. I can pretend each time I see you, that I don’t care and I don’t need you.
How can I be strong I’ve asked myself, time and time I’ve said, that I’ll never fall in love with you again.
And now I know, ’cause when I’m lost I can’t let go.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick, and think of you. Caught up in circles confusion is nothing new.
You’ll always be a part of me, I’m a part of you indefinitely.
I shouldn’t see you, but I can’t move, I can’t look away.
When you hear temptation call, it’s your heart that takes, takes the fall.
I think I’m crazy, think I’m stupid, must have lost my mind.
Every time I see you, oh I try to hide away, but when we meet it seems I can’t let go.

I love you.