Things have been tough for the past few weeks – I’ve cried more in the past month than I ever have in my entire adult life to date.

But what can you do.

I called David last Sunday – he wasn’t home from church. So I had a nice talk with his mum Robyn instead. She’s such a fantastic lady, it’s easy where to see David inherited many of his good qualities from. I guess though it struck me rather sad at the same time that I was getting some love and prayers from Robyn instead of David. I accept that our relationship has changed a lot, but it doesn’t stop me from grieving about it from time to time. So I cried on her shoulder (well on the phone really) and she gave me that kind of focus and wisdom that for some reason only adults have (even though technically I am an adult I don’t feel like one!).

Viet Anh has been an absolute champion. I seriously do not know how on earth she puts up with me. Maybe it’s my sarcastic sense of humour. Who knows. But knowing that I have my older sis with me in spirit all the time has been fantastic. I really love her, and I’m so glad that I ended up sitting next to her at Chi Thanh’s wedding so many years ago. We’ve been through a lot of wars together. She deserves to have so much simply because she’s willing to give so much.

Nicholas has always been the source of my emotional support. Does this sound silly? Whenever I’m down and I need to talk to someone who I know loves me, I always give him a ring. He’ll chat with me for ages, or go out to coffee. It’s nice to feel like I’m being looked after.

Ness and Jen have put up so much shit from me for the longest time. I appreciate their ability to put up with my whinging and though they have very different perspectives of life, know how to find the right conclusion. *hugs*

And Alex. We finally had that talk that we should of have had long ago. He forced me to say all the things I felt, the things that I was thinking. I went off on a tiny rant at him – and it’s been the most positive thing that’s happened for a very long time. No matter how much you love someone, it can’t make them love you. Of course I was a complete wreck for the next couple of days, but it’s given me a new lease on life. Because now, I’ve said it all, it’s no longer boiling inside me – and I’m able to feel happier with no regrets – that I’ve done everything that I could possibly do, love him as much as I possibly could have and it just couldn’t happen. Optimistically, I’d like to think that maybe one day we can be friends. I mean, I get along with his friends great, so theoretically I should get along with him. For now, it’s a bit raw, but I’d really like it if we could be friends one day.

It’s been really sad for me to see my friends going through some rough times at the moment. I can only hope that I will be as much as a refuge to them as they have been to me. Though there was a suggestion that we make a lonely hearts club and in my words, to go and paint the town pink!

There is always one ultimate refuge that we can turn to – the one in the great unknown. It’s not like they can do anything about it, but it’s nice to feel like there’s something out there. Everytime I feel like I need to find refuge in that great unknown, I listening to this song. It’s called Stand in Awe by Pittwater Uniting Church.

From this broken earth I worship
Lay my heart on you
I have climbed upon this altar
I can’t leave the same

Bring down your fire
Pour down your rain

I have come outside my comfort
I need to meet with you
Praises to the God among us
God who loved me first

I lay all on this altar
Stand in awe
You bear all and make me holy
King of glory
Stand in awe, Stand in awe
Stand in awe of this King of glory

I still grieve for some of the friends that I’ve lost. It’s easy to pretend to not to care, and not worry about it times. But confronted with the person, just idly ignoring you – you can only feel pain and loss.

…when doing my fashion assignment and I type RPG instead of RGB.

Problem: My father and cousin have used up all our monthly internet quota (12 gigs) in exactly a week, so it’s so slow I can’t access any files from the library or Vista. Downloads from the library of 8MB wouldn’t finish as well as taking half an hour.

Resolution: I drive to university at 3:30 am

Problem: The M5 Eastbound is closed. There is roadwork slowing my progress on: Canterbury Rd King Georges Rd intersection (the one fucking intersection I need to take instead of going M5 which is 2 km away from that already), as well as Anzac Parade

Resolution: I speed where I can (which is not much anywhere) and slowly get to uni.

Problem: I am not a CSE student this semester and can’t access their labs.

Resoultion: I’m wondering in the cold at 4am praying that a commerce lab will let me in.  The labs in the Quad building will not let me into any lab except for one, by which I’m getting increasingly more scared that I won’t get a lab.

Problem: WebCT Vista works extremely slowly and has broken links to the files that I need. he library website is down. I can not access the electronic databases I need to finish off some assignment work.

Resoultion: There is none. I came to uni because I couldn’t get them at home. I’m just fucking screwed. I can’t do this assignment because I can’t get the files. This equates into an instant fail because I won’t be able to hand the bloody assignment in. I’m hoping that if i just do the first question or so tomorrow afternoon after the exam my lecturer will let me get off as having made an attempt at it.

I’m really wanting to cry now. I’ve had so much work due in, I’ve worked so hard with TAFE and everything and I just can’t seem to manage it all.

I’ve had enough.

Long ranty post.

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