Walking home from mass in a park, abandoned by my brother, I sent SMS’s sending Christmas wishes to people that I care about even though it is an empty holiday. The scent of trash assaulted my senses and I was only given reprieve as I entered a small park where the leaves provided a filter. A lone lamp shone in the park, reminding me of the lamp post between this world and Narnia and I longed for a moment to escape there.

This Christmas is more contrived than previous others. There is not much excitement. My family does not participate. I have no one to really share the happy holiday with. How I miss my darling Sam who with great joy and anticipation opened presents and decorated the tree. My brother and I trade presents simply because it is the thing to do.

I am not an ambitious person. As the lonely days and nights go by, there is the constant struggle to fill it with ambitions and dreams that are fleeting or to anaesthetise the mind as to not notice the time.
I have come to the stunning realisation that I am blessed enough to know what it is to truly love someone. That is the greatest gift that I have received this Christmas.

There can be no regrets and no recriminations. But I know that in my own way, I have someone watching over me. The return I receive from the investment of my heart is that they are a guiding light and have wrought positive changes throughout my life. It is useless to deny it.

So I won’t give up and I won’t break down. Sooner than it seems life turns around. I will be strong even if it goes wrong.

I have decided that I’m going to do that lingerie collection I had planned to do this summer and create something suitable for a trousseau. In my corny way I’m going to make a notebook. Filled with a letter from every day.

Emptiness has entered my soul and in consequence I have not done anything useful. I should take what feelings I have and use it to create what is in my heart. I need to do it and prove it to myself that I’m alive and it isn’t all for nothing.

And for you, my own darling angel.

Well I’m just going to fucking spill out all the hatred in my system right now:

1. My mother. I hate my mother so fucking much and her breaches of my privacy.
2. David. I hate the fact you never call me any more, don’t bother to RSVP to an invitation I sent you, don’t bother to do any of the things you promise to do for me anymore. I’m fucking sick of it. I hate that you used to be such a wonderful person and you’ve just systematically become more shitty towards me and I fucking hate it.
3. Nancy. I think you are a total bitch. I’ve made my effort at peace and you threw it back in my face. Now you spend all your time on the internet trying to be sardonic and superior.  Ever since you started dating your boyfriend you’ve just become more part of this horrible unit who exists to make other people miserable.
4. Nicholas. You are an asshole. You used to care about me and now it seems like you don’t. I don’t fucking play games with you but you sure as fuck do with me. Well if you don’t think I blog enough so you can discern enough information about my life as opposed to calling me like you used to, I’m glad to know that you are reading this right now. Thanks for telling me that you think that I set people up for a fall. I live and breathe to have people disappoint me.
5. Liz. You think you are so cool, but you never fucking listen. If it’s not in your spectrum of you think its cool you just shut it down. Well you know what? That’s not fucking cool at all. Plus I want you to know that when I invited you to eat a Turducken that I made it was to say thank you for your friendship and I resent that you would only consider going if someone else that you knew would be there.
6. Teachers at TNTT Bankstown. I don’t like you as a group. You guys exist in this group mind and are so damned clique-y which I think is crap.

I should be sweet and kind and get into the Christmas spirit. But all I have to say right now is that I’m fucking depressed and lonely.

I do however give much love and Kudos to Kath, Jen, Viet Anh and Ness. You girls have been there for me all the way.

One of my wordpress plugins “Bad Behaviour” blocked my IP address causing me to lose a few posts that I have written and really can’t be bothered writing up again.

However, there is something I want to write about.

A couple of weeks ago as is my wont to do, I was rifling through a stack of CDs in a cheap CD shop in Glenquarie and I found a Bodyjar CD.

To protect my bad reputation of a CCM and pop fangirl note that I am NOT a fan of Bodyjar.

But it triggered a memory of someone I knew almost 10 years ago, a man named Colin. He was teaching me the finer aspects of bridge.

I got scared of getting intimate with him (I was 15 at the time) and so I started to avoid him – not hard to do because we only really met up on the internet.

But as I held that CD, I just remember Colin with startling clarity. Colin was a big fan of Bodyjar and even had burnt me a CD back then.

So this post is dedicated to Colin and my hazy memories of him.

I’m currently trying to find him again – so I logged onto my ICQ account (something I haven’t done in 5 years!) and sent a message to his account though he probably hasn’t used his ICQ account for 5 years either.

I just wonder what has 10 years done to him – considering the difference in me from a gawky teenager.

To Colin, I hope you’ve had a wonderful life.