Today I am in an exceptionally good mood.

I’ve been rather intense lately, thinking things over and being really honest to myself about what I want and what I want to achieve. I want what is best for me and I’m trying to understand exactly what it is that I love.

Asides my consumer purchases (I bought the Samsung P2 mp3 player and a all-in-one printer), I’m really happy about what I’m doing. I love TAFE so much. I’m studying a lot and having a fantastic time doing it too. Working at times is lame, but I’m giving my studies my all for the first time in a really long while. I have so much energy and I think it’s really showing. I’m excited about what I am learning and I’m even embracing the idea of further education.

Work can be a bit of a bore, but I have fun with my co-workers. I feel young and confident. I was smiling all day, bopping along to my mp3 player, practically dancing in the drizzling rain during lunch where I spent more of my money on some embroidery and knitting things. There’s so much to do and I’m so happy to do it all.

I’m starting to forget the things that used to make me unhappy. Right now, all those things seem so unimportant. What’s important that I focus right now.

I’ve started cleaning my room for the first time in weeks. The clutter was grating on my nerves. Maybe it’s true, that a cluttered room is the sign of a cluttered mind. For once I’m starting to see things with great clarity.

Big hugs and thanks to Kath who always advised me to take control of my life and be assertive. I may not have listened to her for the longest time, but she’s among the most sensible of my friends. I’m an adult, and it’s time that I realised it and was proactive about it.

Also mucho love to Ness who knows exactly when to bully me and push me when I’m not thinking straight. You are fantastic and it’s amazing what a message in the NUTS forums does!

I know that Ness told me to write elsewhere, anywhere but here.

But here is what I know, so here is where I’m going to say it.

I’m TERRIFIED of committment. I’m afraid to love people because I’m afraid of being hurt. Everytime I’ve trusted people to the point of giving them my heart, they’ve broken it. Part of it is my fault – because I trust them too much, or maybe expect too much. They don’t/can’t fulfill my expectations so I get hurt. Maybe they can’t deal with the expectations, so they leave me alone while they figure it out and by the point that it’s all ok, is the point where I’ve stopped believing in them and expect nothing.

I think that I’m not able to keep people that I love. Referring to the above, it’s just better to not to be in love with people, because people hurt my feelings. The only way to stop that happening is to just not trust people or have those feelings in the first place. Expect less because no one is willing to give it all. And in my experience, even when I have expected nothing, I’m shattered with yet another blow and reach a new low.

I expect boys to lie to me constantly. Which in its own way makes me one bitter, paranoid bitch. I’ve often said the only time that boys tell you the truth is either when they are dumping you or asking you for a one night stand. Which is cynical at times and I can project it to be amusing.

I’m exceptionally high maintainence. Which also leads me to think that because I don’t believe in men and their ability to give what I need, means I should be left alone, because it makes me incompatible.

I’m absolutely neurotic. Things bug me and I can’t let them go. I get stubborn and do things in a particular way which could be really annoying. I dwell on things. I overanalyse. And because I dwell on things, sometimes random thoughts completely unrelated to the matter at thand can destroy my mood.

I’m confused and lots of random thoughts are running rampant in my mind.

Ironically, for the first time though, I’m actually being incredibly productive whilst having them. I have written three pages on Fashion in the 1900s in Asia and have written just as many notes for European fashion. I thought the 1900s was boring until I realised everything interesting politically was happening in Asia. Also, I highly endorse the works of Valerie Steele. And Amazon better send my books out soon.

In conclusion, I need you to understand.

… happy.
… unimpressed by the juvenile behaviour of some of her friends.
… a fan of knitting, and knits in pubs.
… not a fan of clubbing and the social rigamorale associated with it.
… motivated to write the best assignment about fashion in the 1900s ever.
… excited about her new order of books from Amazon!
… in love with M&Ms.
… really enjoying abusing her internet quota with webcam.
… whiny and clingy.
… scared to death because she is behaving irrationally.

Something Alex said the other day really hurt my feelings. Of course having the obsessive personality that I have, I pondered about it for a while.

As I often do, I made a conclusion. Many times my conclusions can be spur on the moment and rather irrelevant.

However, I had a friend tell me once that most people are terrible communicators and don’t actually want to know the truth. A classic example being when a girl asks her boyfriend if he finds another girl attractive. If she was a good communicator, she’d be able to accept the answer if the answer was ‘yes’, because she’d be able to recognise that people are attracted to each other all the time- though he may not act on it. Of course, this is not a typical reaction. Most girls get ticked off and are actually very insecure and want to be the centre of their boys universe.

I used to be one of those girls.

So back to my conclusion.

I came to the conclusion that clearly I needed to understand what it means to be honest. And to appreciate his honesty. Just because I didn’t necessarily like what he said, doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate it. If I want to be an honest straight shooter  (which is my current policy at the moment) then I would have to accept honesty for what it is.

But I’m also intelligent enough to recognise that sometimes you don’t lay down all your cards on the table unless you necessarily have to.

So cheers to Alex.

Also, many thanks to Sean for pointing it all out and being my brutally honest devil’s advocate. You are an awesome friend.

Just so you know this feeling is taking control of me,
Suddenly the memories came back to me in my mind.
I won’t keep my heart from you this time and I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
As I long to touch you but you’re out of my reach

Though you are telling me the truth, I just can’t stay away from you.
I can’t deny it burns me up inside, I fan the flames to melt away my pride.

We have changed but we’re still the same
Baby you’re the one, you still turn me on
Every time you need me, know that I will be there.

–

Happy Valentine’s Day my love.

I know that one day, I’ll stop feeling this way for you. Though much time has past – I want you to know that I still think of you. I suspect you have a girlfriend nowadays and I’m really happy for you. I want you to have every happiness.

Love always,

mia