It is incredibly passé to blog whilst feeling the way I do but it’s an appropriate activity to do at this junction in time.

It’s been a difficult week. I recognise it’s a struggle to remain happy and hopeful. Sometimes I wonder exactly what it is that will help me remain happy and hopeful. It appears I’m rather a fickle creature with volatile moods.

I know that this being one of the low moments – it’s a struggle to keep from reaching out to somebody, anybody. But like all moments in time, it is transitive. No matter what they say, friendships are not constant and perhaps it my intensity that renders me unattractive and the fact that I am a boring person. It’s very boring to be talking about the mundane details of your life.

In moments like these, it is so tempting to reach out to God. But that has been shattered for me because a long time ago, I lost my faith. Despite the tendrils of awareness that creep  up on me that make me feel there has got to be more to life, the cold logical, rational self asserts and you have no idea what nature God has and whether or not he actually cares or even if he indeed exists.

We keep on going and wheels keep spinning. It’s just a phase. I’ll wake up soon enough. But just for right now, I’d like to stab myself in the thigh.

I really don’t have anything else to add to that.

I haven’t blogged very much in recent times. Partly because I don’t have as much time as I used to have. Partly because I don’t really believe that it matters. Partly because I’ve become a little more private as time has gone by and less willing to divulge more personal aspects of my life to others.

So let’s catch up with all the things that have changed in my life.

Firstly, boys. I have finally started dating again. And it’s weird. I have been single for a very long time. Since Alex, I have not been in a serious relationship. Whilst I was desperately in love with him for absolute ages, life was astonishingly simple. I was free to go as any single girl, but my heart was dedicated and so life was remarkably uncomplicated. However, having turned the page from that somewhat ghastly chapter of my life, it’s strange to be looking again and dating guys and seeing if things work out. Whilst experiencing this, I have reconsolidated my values and asked myself what was important to me, what did I want in a relationship, and what did I want in a man? I’ve made positive changes in my outlook to life as a result.

Things so far haven’t worked out but I’ve met a few guys worthy of my time and attention – even if only in a friend sense. And these guys have renewed my faith in catching the right one for me.

All the above has forced me to socialise more. For the couple of months directly after and before my accident I became a hermit. It’s been difficult to get me out of the rut that I had placed myself. I had stagnated and didn’t really want to leave the safe confines of my house. So even though I enjoy being with people, I have to push myself to get out of the house. Life is a bit more balanced now as a result. I’m starting work on a new production. It’s interesting and I had forgotten what it was like to be in the thick of things.

I’ve made a new friend and reacquainted myself with old ones. I’ve met a fantastic girl Liz at work who scarily enough is so often on the same wavelength as me and I’ve hooked up again with Debra from high school. We spend endless hours on MSN voice chat detailing our plans and our dreams and our foibiles just like we did back in high school when I’d call her practically every day (though I claim credit for the Fried Rice Analogy!!!!)

I decided to go back to working in Finance next year. I want a routine life again. I enjoy stocktaking having made friends at work and being on great terms with my boss but it’s been hell on the rest of my life being such irregular hours. A part of it is that I’ve not just left school and finished my studies. I want some security and I feel that I should be more responsible and independent. I have spent the last 3 months or so trying to figure out whether or not Fashion/Costume/Dressmaking was just and intellectual exercise for me. Equally I have enjoyed going back to work for Jeff in Superannuation stuff where I get to nerd out and problem solve in an entirely different manner. Admittedly, working for a large corporate firm felt rather claustrophobic over Summer and I wanted to climb the walls. But if I manage to somehow find a balance between the two things next year, that would be wonderful. However, I still need to finish Diploma!

Diploma has been insane. It’s such an insane pace. I love my studies and am genuinely proud of the things I have achieved in my classes. I love my teachers and face TAFE with great joy (except for Wednesdays – marketing and sketching with Jean). I push myself and happy with what I produce. I’m still waiting for my uni results (a library fine blocking me from seeing whether or not I can FINALLY graduate) and live in dread of them despite being hopeful. The future from here is a question mark. Do I go on for Adv Diploma? Do I go on for a degree? I have absolutely no idea.

And I think most importantly, as the title suggests, I’m more okay about being me and being proud of who I am and how far I’ve come and no longer need to hide behind an image or a name. I am who I am. Sometimes you have to face reality, and suprisingly enough reality isn’t so bad after all.