Indeed.

So I’m the head costumer for Law Revue this year. Rather random chance. Stumbled onto a congregation of Law Revuers at the Rege one night a few weeks ago and Nic just asked me the question and I said “yes”.

Given previously that I didn’t have much of a personal friendship with anyone on the Exec – it was a completely new experience. Throwing myself into it – we’ve come up with strong concepts. However there is a cast of close to 60 people.

I have overtaken the Lawsoc office and it’s a sweatshop. There is scrap fabric everywhere. Fabric rolls lean haphazardly onto the walls. A huge piles of cutwork lying in random places. Two sewing machines and an overlocker sit on the side tables. It’s a complete OH&S hazard and the only available floor space is at the moment taken up by lays of green sequined fabric.

The costumes are coming along – but I don’t know if I can finish in time. I’m slightly worried that I won’t.

I have a few people helping – and they are absolutely amazing. Especially Amanda and Cait who have been there with me practically every night. But they can only get so much done and I have to do a lot of the sewing myself. The biggest issue being sheer numbers. There’s just so many costumes to make overall and it’s rather overwhelming.

Liz was totally shocked to see Cecile the sewing demon come out and my frequent swearing at the machine and life in general. I’m very close to the end of my tether but having workers with me keeps me in (some) semblance of good manner – but I frequently stop giving a shit at about midnight after I’ve put a full day in.

I did give them the standard disclaimer beforehand that I turn into a raving bitch by showtime but I don’t think they fully understood until now. :S

This is the hardest I’ve worked on a revue. This is the most I’ve ever sacrificed for the sake of a show. The show is going to look awesome.

Come see it! You’ll laugh and possibly cringe. And I have never prouder to be a revuer.

UNSW Law Revue 2008 presents…
Bar Wars: Episode QC – Revenge of the Silks

2nd – 5th Sept (Week 6)
7:45pm, Science Theatre, UNSW

$8 students / $13 adults (Tuesday & Wednesday)
$10 students / $15 adults (Thursday & Friday)

www.lawrevue.unsw.edu.au

I tend to have breakdowns a lot. They keep happening – and now they are increasing in frequency.

Yesterday I had a really long day.

I was in the Law Building (aka Battlestar Galatica) doing costuming for Law Revue making prototypes of costumes. It was vaguely stressful just trying to figure out how I can be economical in terms of labour and how to achieve the look the directors and I were aiming for. I got a bit done and realised what was feasible to be delgated and what kind of work i had to do on my own.

I was by myself. It was a lot of energy and effort to unpack and pack up – indeed it took an entire hour to pack up the fabric, cutwork and machinery and cart it all down to my car.

Then I left university and the drive was odd and bumpy. I got out and checked that I had a flat tyre.

It was the last straw.

I had a minor crisis of which I rang Jeremy because the jack seemed to be stuck in my car and he wasn’t free to come out and help me. He told me how to get the jack out. With that and my puny strength, I managed to change the tyre.

I almost burst into tears. I hated it. I knew that I could do this, I can change this tyre by myself (having done so once before) but I really didn’t want to. I have all the capabilities to be independant but I wanted nothing more to just run to someone and just have them talk me through it. I wanted a man more so at that moment than at any time.

Beforehand, I went to the rehearsal for dinner and fitting and I felt kind of isolated. I have a few friends that I caught up with – but I felt strangely detached from it all. I have genial working relationships and I don’t really have time to spend to construct something deeper. I didn’t have anyone I felt I could call in the area.

So I changed the tire on the side of High St. I had to jump on the wrench and put my entire body weight to loosen the nuts. I got in my car, drove home and washed the grease away. I did it all by myself.

In those moments, I hated being capable.

The other night I bumped into a friend who I haven’t seen in about 3 months or more. I’ve called them 4 or 5 times in the past 3 months, leaving a voicemail message with my name and number but to no avail. So we took some time out for a chat where they immediately was all that was friendly and interested in my life.

I told them directly “You know I called and left a message. I did it a few times and after a while, I wondered whether or not it was worth calling at all.” They made a small admission of guilt – but no apology. They went on to say “I don’t want to have this conversation right now, it’s kinda bitchy.”

What I find interesting that I wasn’t being bitchy, merely honest about my feelings. It’s also extremely ironic considering that they were being bitchy to me to completely lose contact with me in the first place.

I’ve had this happen between a few really close friends in the past three years. Faced with a wall of silence I start to think that the common factor is me. I start to wonder if I am not trying hard enough. If I try to talk to these people about it, they instantly get defensive like it’s not their fault.

It shatters my own sense of self confidence and I think that maybe I’m not worth it.

After a while, I got tired of blaming myself. The instinct of self preservation has kicked in and it’s taught me to be wary and to invest less in friendships. My counsellor suggested that I am one of those people who are really pro-active in their relationships.

We all walk in the life alone. We might have people that join on the way – but we don’t have the same destination.

I have had a few people ask me why I believe in God – but conversely why don’t they? Surely there is also a lack of evidence for aetheist thinking – just a sure gut feeling. They say that the holy books are all falacious and thus it is a bunch of meaningless crap. Perhaps it’s just that people who believe in those holy books are wrong – and we are no closer to understanding the nature of God if he does so exist at all.

I believe in God. Why do I have this faith? I just feel called to believe. I have this feeling that He (for lack of a proper pronoun) is there and he really wants me to place my trust and faith in Him. I listen to 103.2 fm (Christian radio station), I adore singing hymns and giving praise to the great unknown.

For someone like me who is generally a very logical and practical kind of person it’s rather daunting to have that leap of faith. There is no rational basis of it. A lot of people accuse people who believe mindless sheep and on the whole a lot of people are. Refusing to take a good hard look at what they believe and why they do is just plain silly.

I’ve had a lot of personal struggles. And I’ve hit that level where I simply refused to believe. It is in that time you feel the most alone. Somehow in the past few years, I’ve felt I’ve never been alone – because God is always with me. Maybe he’s not anything that my mind can comprehend, but he is always there.

I went to a YUCAN talk the other night “What is means to be Catholic?” I wasn’t horribly impressed by the presentation, because it glossed over what amounted to not very much. But they had some interesting discussion questions that they asked us to talk about when we broke into groups. About how we experience persecution of faith, what symbols are important to us as Catholics and pathways for us to remain strong in faith and the opportunities it presents.

Friends have often remarked to me that Christians usually get the short end of the stick. It’s okay to be insulting to the priesthood and it’s okay to be disparaging of the stance of the church – but it’s not okay to be similarily insulting towards Muslim/Jewish faiths. It’s a real sense of persecution. It was really interesting to people opinions about that kind of thing. A lot of focus was people tend to attack Catholicism when they don’t have a real understanding of the church and what it stands for and why they do take that stance. I know I’m definitely guilty about that – and in my recent studies I’ve come to understand some of perspectives of the church even if I’m not necessarily agreeing to it.

One of the things that I can do is to see things from the Catholic perspective even if my true beliefs are more muddled. I can preach rather charismatically when it comes right down to it. It’s certainly hypocritcal for the start. Am I trying so hard because I really want to believe? However my rationality wins out and I am still left confused.

A lot of people wonder why do I still teach Sunday School if I don’t necessarily proscribe to all the tenets of being a Catholic. I do it because I love children. Because I believe what Sunday School represents – a place to grow in love and in hope. I do it because I feel like I need to share the gifts that I had. I do it because I need to give back to the place where I grew up in faith.

At David’s engagement party I kind of said to a couple of people “I’m not Christian” and their response “How sad for you.” It was kind of sweet that people find real happiness in having a personal relationship with God. And as they said at the talk – Religion/The Church can only provide direction. Faith is a personal journey. Don’t live your life in that direction but refuse to take the journey.

To sum up, a song Never Alone by BarlowGirl succinctly describes my feelings:

I cried out with no reply
And I can’t feel You by my side
So I’ll hold tight to what I know
You’re here and I”m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can’t explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You’ve placed in my life

We cannot separate
‘Cause You’re part of me
And though You’re invisible
I’ll trust the unseen