On Thursday I woke up to a letter from a lawyer demanding I pay for the hire charges for the car accident I had in May. That car accident was the one that made me flip out in may and caused me a nervous breakdown. I had to call the NRMA claims department to deal with it. So despite I woke up fine that morning, I got stressed out. I was supposed to leave early and go out to uni but I kept putting it off, I just didn’t want to go anywhere. But I knew that I was meeting Viet Anh at Trashioke so I made myself leave the house and got up to Randwick to have coffee with Eugene.

I was in a complete state on the train and the bus. People talking loudly exacerberated my tension and I  kept focussing on my knitting to help me get through it. I waited an hour for Eugene and knitted and I think it was good that I sat out for an hour waiting. Because then the fear and stress had some quiet time to dissipitate. I sat on a bench in the Spot. But I noticed quite a few little kids running around. And I didn’t like them.

Children have always been an essential part of who I am. I have been a Nanny. I have taught Sunday school for 8 years. But now, children evoke no feelings within me. Only some mild annoyance and tension because they can be loud and grating.

I ended up having dinner with Eugene and his family. We went to a Hungarian restuarant and I ate the largest meal I had eaten in ages. It was very heavy. Steve and I discussed the differences between Eastern vs Western food and I said that I much preferred Eastern food because it wasn’t so salty and fatty. Western food is full of animal fats like butter and in meat which sit very heavily.

I was in a good mood going to Trashioke. I shammed it up with Steven and Liz eventually joined us. Apparently she squirms every time I go up and innocuously chat to Steven. She thinks its a secret plot against her. Pfft. For her enjoyment I sang “Achy Breaky Heart” and I just don’t think she understands (ha pun).

Friday was my “time to do everything I should have done” day. I went to centrelink and submitted all my paperwork for Youth Allowance (yay I finally will have money again), did some grocery shopping, I went to the bank and changed my PIN and I got my eyebrows done so I could look tidy for the wedding. But all the waiting and the effort of walking I was so tired. I went to sleep immeadiately as soon as I got home.

My mother woke me up at 8pm telling me I had to go to sleep early because the wedding was on the next day and because she did that, I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.

I watched TV and I didn’t fall asleep until about 5am. I had to wake up at 8:20 to be at his house at 8:30am but I was in a state. I knew it was going to be a bad day. I went over to his house and I did my duty carrying the dowry tray. And then I went straight to my dad’s car and I slept. I attended the service and I felt nothing. I held my mothers hand.

During the lunch after mass I didn’t even bother thinking that I could cope. I quickly ate something and walked home. I was so relieved to be home I ran up the stairs and I tripped over my ao dai and I almost cried in fustration. I tore the damn thing off and crawled into bed. I didn’t sleep, but I just lay there in a complete state.

Lizzie came over and held me as I cried. We chatted until I had to leave for the reception.

The reception was so bloody difficult. I couldn’t help, I just wanted to sit in my chair. I couldn’t stand the music, it was way too loud. I wanted to go home. But I managed to stay and talk to a few friends, eat a bit of every meal (with frequent I’m hiding in the toilet breaks), and then I grabbed the car keys and hid in my dads car until they were ready to go home.

In the car I called Lizzie and asked her “Why can’t I be happy today? It’s my cousins wedding. I’m supposed to be happy” and she told me off for using the “Supposed to” phrase and that I wasn’t going to get better if I kept thinking I was “Supposed to” do things. Just relax and get better.

When I got home, it was the same deal. I raced up the stairs (thankfully the dress wasn’t long enough for me to trip over) shucked it off and crawled into bed in a foetal position.

The next day I’m going to visit Sam – but I don’t know how it’ll go. Having lost my enjoyment of small children and freaking out at loud noises, how am I going to deal with a 4 year old child?

I don’t know what life is going to be like anymore.

I woke up late at 1:30pm on Sunday. My mother reminded me that I had to go to church. I knew that Lua Thieng was on at Bankstown so for the first time in over a month, I put on my TNTT uniform and walked over to the school to attend mass at 2pm.

I thought I was going to be okay. But when I got there I started stressing out a bit. Mass felt intermittenly long; the microphone/speaker system seemed to grate at my ears. It was all I could do to not walk out. As soon as mass was over, I walked outside and sat outside on a bench, but people could see me. I went inside to the kitchen to eat something and found a chair so I just sat in the corner of the kitchen.

Viet Anh found me there on her quest to find food and she talked me through it. I told her how I couldn’t feel God, and that I felt like I was losing part of my personality. She told me, that it would all come back. And she said “Look at me, I’m not worried about you. I mean, I am worried about you but not as much as I could be. I know that you have a great support network and you are strong. You are going to get through this.” We stayed in the kitchen and chatted until Lua Thieng was over. We came out of hiding and I walked home. I crashed into bed and fell asleep. I didn’t wake up till late that evening.

I watched some more television and then went back to sleep. I slept 18 hours of that day away.

On Monday waking up at 11am I woke up to a phone call from my boss Fuad. He wanted to go have coffee with me so we arranged it for Tuesday morning. I’d felt good during the day, mainly because I slept a lot I think. I decided that being asleep was better than being awake and I would wake up clear and lucid. I ate a full 50g packet of chips and I was so proud of myself. I had 3 tiny meals, but at least I was eating again.

It was really a sleep, wake up for 5 hours, sleep day for me. I did talk to someone who’d been on antidepressants and stuff and they told me that yeah, this process was really hard. But to think of it positively, though you lose some things, you gain new things. This is a great time to reinvent yourself as a person.

I set out to sleep early, wanting to wake up for coffee with Fuad.

Unfortunately being unable to control my sleep meant that I didn’t wake up until he called to say he was coming. I quickly hopped into the shower and met up with him 20 minutes later. We just went to Bankstown Square. We talked about everything and it was great catching up with the goss from work. I told him that I wanted to do the Richmond job that night, because it was a small easy one and Lizzie would be able to catch me if I fell. The Richmond job is something that I’ve done every month for the past year and it would take about 3 hours and I thought it was time for me to get back in the game.

I slept that afternoon to psych myself up for it. I chatted online to a friend who also is on antidepressants and they repeated the sentiment that this was a good time to reinvent yourself. I said I kind of liked the person that I was. They said then she can come back even stronger than before. That my feelings of numbness will die down in time and I will feel myself again. But it took 2 years before they found the right combination of drugs. They also warned me to stay away from coffee.

I did the job that night. I had some McDonalds on the way just a coke and fries. Lizzie was pissed considering she had almost forgotten the job was on and she had a long day at clinical. My hand has stopped shaking considerably but it was still very stressful. I just kept repeating to myself I can do this, I didn’t want to drag out the job longer so Lizzie could sleep. And I did do the job.

I went to the bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror properly for the first time in ages. I think I look really pale and for someone who has slept so bloody much, why do I have dark shadows around my eyes?

I came home at 5am.

I didn’t fall asleep until 9am and then was woken up at lunchtime by my dad to remind me to do some paperwork. The day had passed well. I had chatted to Debbie in China. i thought about the whole reinventing yourself thing. I realise that since I’ve been home a lot more, I have started playing the piano again. I don’t know where I’m going with it, but it was an interesting observation.

I got a nosebleed. They happen when my body temperature is too hot, I’ve had too much sugar and not enough sleep. I think that eating McDonalds is now out of the question. I shouldn’t have any soft drinks because that’s just too much sugar for me. It also didn’t sit well in my stomach. If I eat, I have to eat well.

Even though the past couple of days have been quite good, there is a lingering shadow of fear. Fear that I’m going to not be ok that day. That I’m going to crash again. To be fair, I haven’t really left the house for an extended period of time. I’m still not fit to drive and work would have completely overwhelmed me had the shift been any longer. But I’m starting to feel better.

It’s midnight now and I can’t go back to sleep, having had a bizarre dream that I was in Heroes-like world and that I couldn’t save the boy that I have a crush on. I went to bed early hoping to be able to rest up because I plan on getting out of the house tomorrow. It’s going to be an interesting day.