I have been silent on my blog for a long time.

After a while it simply got too depressing (ha!) writing about my experiences. What was I going to say, “Hi everyone wanted to kill myself today but apparently this is normal”?

Consequently I got better. My sister came home for Christmas and forced me to clean up and deal with life. I got onto Lithium and it made a huge difference. I started seeing a psychologist. I even made a Turducken. I went to America for a month where I met my best pal on Puzzle Pirates. I went back to school. I even met a terrific guy that I was simply crazy about.

And then we changed my medication. Dropped down from 30mg of Aropax down to 20mg.

At first I was really optimistic. Decreasing is a good thing right? I’m trying to get off this stuff. Not be dependant on it.

I had a huge anxiety attack where I started stuttering and the tremors started again. It lasted an hour or so. But my thought was I’d rather die than go through this again. Even though I’ve been through all of it before, it was worse this time round. Last time I dropped out of school, stopped working to heal. But I have just started to piece my life together and getting back into things and for this to happen now? I just couldn’t deal with it. I just want to give up. I even said the fatal words “If I was dead I wouldn’t have to deal with this.”

The fatigue has come once again. I barely eat except for the odd packet of chips, chocolate and peanut butter sandwhich. My sleeping patterns have been shot to hell. I’ve missed school. I turned down a shift at work. I asked my cousin to drive me to Lincraft because I couldn’t deal with driving.  I leave early from parties.

My mother has been so worried that she’s forced me to take the extra 10mg again. But it’ll take a week or so to kick in and so right now I’m sitting in my room, barely able to keep myself together letting time pass by with dumb action movies and South Park because I can’t focus on anything more difficult than knitting.

This is rather a self indulgent blog post (which blog posts aren’t?) because I should just get on with it instead of whinging about it. Polluting the internet by contributing yet another emo blog post.

Needless to say the guy and I didn’t work out.

But in the meantime, during my convalescence I can perve on the guys from Supernatural as I mindlessly watch it over again.