Life is looking up.

I am officially detoxing! I visited a new psychiatrist who told me the level of drugs I was on was way too high for someone who hasn’t been hospitalised and the first step would be to slowly get off what I’m on and then do a new psych assessment afterward. He assured me that 2010 would be a highly productive year for me. So baby steps, but finally in the right direction.

The fates were kind and despite that I had to wait nearly 2 months for this appointment, my sister was coincidentally in Australia for the week. She attended the appointment with me and was a terrific support. We had a terrific time together catching up and talking family gossip. She told my parents about the plan the doctor had worked out and it was great to lean on her. Sometimes it’s hard taking the mantle of the eldest. When she’s gone I always have to take the lead, the responsibility and acquiesce to my parents demands.

The detoxing process is going to be slow. It’ll take about 3 months to get off the drugs completely. 1 month in I’m now completely  off Lithium but it leaves me exhausted. I sleep minimum 10 hours a day. My parents however see my tiredness and my complete lack of will to contradict them as great. They are treating me like I’m 9 years old again. Dad tousles my hair and says everything is going to be alright, Mum practically tucks me into bed and kisses me every now and then.

This experience with depression and anti-depressants has been horrible. However, it has been incredibly valuable. I saw my sister beyond the bossy bitch and saw her as someone who really understood me and knew how to take care of me. I saw the deep abiding love my parents have for me and how my pain is their pain. Also I’m learning what is truly important to me.

But the price has been bittersweet. Usually I’m one of the most productive people I know. Being forced to slow down to a halt has made me feel somewhat useless. The loss of my creativity has been incredibly painful. However when one door closes, another opens.

I’ve learned the value of co-dependence and how there is nothing to be ashamed of it. I guess maybe it’s in the nature of the social group that I spend time with, but there is this push to be self reliant and independent. Some have said to me that moving out would be really beneficially to see whether or not I can run a household and learning things like that before I get married or move in with someone. But due to the nature of the domestic jobs I’ve taken in my checkered career, I know I can do it. Whilst I value the time I have to myself and require a certain amount of alone time, I do not need to test myself to prove my confidence in myself.

Part of this detoxification I’ve been doing emotional detox – analyzing decisions I need to make and make sure they have the possible outcome. For example, what do I really need to prove to myself. The friends that I need to keep. What I’m willing to compromise.

Right now I feel really good and proud with the effort I’m putting in. It’s not to say it has all been roses. I’m so lucky I have a boss who lets me nap underneath my desk at work, parents who love me and support me even if they don’t totally get it and really fantastic friends.

A long time ago, I though I was just an ordinary girl. Now I know it, pursuing my ordinary dreams. And that feels great because I don’t have to be anyone else.