Today I sunk in a horrific depressed mood. Horrific because I had been riding on a high for a whole week and to come crashing down was difficult.

But after sitting for a few hours at my computer half catatonic, I figured out why.

Last night I was visited by a friend of mine and I spilled all the details of my latest crush. However, my friend is so… cynically realistic that she had almost half convinced me that the guy wasn’t actually interested in me. That I was just an amusing companion that he wrote emails to.

It got me down because I almost believed (given my propensity to think the worst of myself) that all I was is amusing, and not worth pursuing. It felt brutally punishing to my ego that all I am is just a passing fancy to someone who is merely bored at work.

I’m naturally an optimistic person but my friend isn’t. She is of course speaking through her bitter experiences and her own disappointments and cares enough about me to try and stop me being crushed later.  And then on top of that, she gave me tips to be more coy.

In a rational sense, I can see where she is coming from. But like any girl, I just want to feel for a little while that I’m enjoying this burgeoning relationship that isn’t quite defined. That the possibilities are open that he might ACTUALLY like me. I’m experienced enough to not throw all caution in the wind, to be honest I hardly know the guy so I’m not going to pin all my hopes on an unknown entity. But neither am I one to simply be coy in an effort to go fishing. I’m straight forward and I don’t want to play games.

I guess I just don’t want to see life so negatively. I spent a whole year of being in bed thinking of negative thoughts. And because of them I’ve hurt myself time and time again. And now that I’m finally excited about living, I want to live it with great optimism. Though it seems catty to say, but my friends dark cynicism hasn’t gotten her any closer to achieving her desires. I think in some respects it has made her so risk adverse that she’ll never find what she’s looking for because she’s too scared to even see it.

In this week of almost manic joy, I’ve spent a wonderful weekend with my kids (and got drenched top to toe in a massive water fight!). I’ve cooked up a storm and somehow my joy has transferred an intuition in my cooking that it somehow tastes really good to eat. I haven’t even had a batch of failed cupcakes. I even opened up a mathematics textbook and started on problem set 1A. My brain isn’t too happy about it, but I’m feeling really accomplished and proud of myself.

If being that cynically realistic in the name of self preservation, I don’t think I want to be that way. I’ve been more productive this week then I have been for the last year. As Louise said to me, I should never stop being me, but just be the best me that I can be. The best me is someone who writes chatty emails, who loves baking, who sings at the top of her lungs, who holds hopes and most of all, who is honest. And if he’s the one, then he’ll appreciate every single one of those qualities.

I never want to sink down as low as I was this time last year ever again.

Ok, it’s been a long time since I posted anything of little consequence. With the brevity of my blog, you’d think I have no fun! (Please, no snickers in the background)

- Today my parents dragged me clothes shopping. I ended up buying bakeware. And not only that, you know Portmans has truly become untrendy when your mother is buying it! My mum was like “Look! Buy stuff! It’s cheap!” and I was like “It’s cheap for a reason mum.”

- I have started to bake in earnest again. Inspired because I’m going to go a-courting. However my intended recipient was too busy to meet me! (He didn’t know about the cupcakes.) I’m going for round two next time. He probably thinks that I want to give something on a police related matter. Hence his last email was very terse, and signed with his Sig. It made me cringe.

- Blinky is wearing his Disneyland t-shirt.

- I’m posting a link to you tube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgOdZnKMJ8s And yes, I’m a closet country music fan.

- I feel sad that I’m so stereotypically Asian. I love karaoke, anime and RPGs. (hint, RPG does not stand for Rocket Propelled Grenade)

- I ordered a corset from Gallery Serpentine. It is blue.

- In related news, I bought a pleatmaker.

- I twiddled my thumbs for the entirety of Thursday work day which culminated in a nap underneath my desk.

- I’m going camping with my beloved Thieu Nhi kids this weekend.

- I’m experimenting with cupcakes with less butter than normal. I know, it’s heretical. This is because my mother bought copha instead of butter.

- I’m organising a slumber party with my girlfriend from high school and my girlfriend from primary school. It will involve makeovers and popcorn.

- In conclusion, I haven’t used the phrase ‘in conclusion’ much in the past months that I feel like I’m losing my touch

- I will twitter about blogging.

A lot of people told me that now was the perfect time to “reinvent” myself. I didn’t realise what that kind of meant till now.

In some ways, I am grateful for this rather horrid experience. It cut myself back to a quivering mess and now I’m picking up the pieces and sorting it out.

I find it hilarious that I’m a lot more sane to figure out why I do the things I do and make an attempt to stop it.

My detox is progressing, and I’ve cut back a further 5mg of my dose bringing me down to just 25mg of Paroxetine. And man, do I feel it.

Though I am much more lucid now then when I first got onto 25mg, my sleeping and eating patterns have been absolutely shot to hell. Despite the fact that I go to work on a regular basis which improved my sleeping habits, I am royally screwed up with the inability to sleep between midnight and dawn. I’m barely eating in a way that encourages me to fall back to bad habits of starvation and feeling guilty for eating.

As a fairly logical person, I sometimes shake my head and think that I’m a complete moron for thinking like an anorexic. If my kids at Thieu Nhi pulled this stunt I’d talk them straight out of it. And as a logical person, I second guess whether or not I’m actually mentally ill because I have the ability to reason sensibily. And then I do something like stab myself with my tailor’s awl.

Sorting through the mess that is my life, I’m rather pleased with some of the things that have come out. Though I am still very insecure and rarely venture out,I’m happy to be hanging out my friends and take an easy but steady course with my life. I feel more like a teenager now than I did when I was growing up! Developing adult habits like learning how to stick to a beauty routine, really fine tuning my ‘look’, and tenatively reaching out to new relationships with almost an abashed shyness rather than a tornado. Learning about my values and feeling like I’m on the edge of something completely mindblowing.

I feel some inner workings of my brain have changed. I’m much less angry for a start. I don’t exert as much pressure on myself because I think about what I can handle before doing it. I feel like I’m a nicer person as a result from the experience because I’ve had to learn a degree of tolerance and patience to handle myself and situations that arose. And by surrounding myself with fantastic, sensitive and supportive people, I’m slowly reasserting the person I really want to be. And cutting out bad influences has been really important, so I can remember that I shouldn’t settle for anything less.

Recently having refurnished my bedroom, I’m making an effort to keep it tidy and as An remarked, it felt like the chapter of my childhood has closed. I took down the reminders of my exes, not because everyone said I should, but because I was ready to. Alex and I have finally managed to get along, and I value that a lot – and I’m going to keep our friendship alive, not be reminded of a time that was awkward and painful. I took down the poster Eric bought for me all those years ago and filed his photo away. I realised that the photo no longer reminded me of those happy times, but highlighted exactly how unhappy I was and how castigated I felt as a failure. Everytime I think of Eric, I am merely reminded of the harsh words when it ended and his behaviour since then hasn’t exactly redeemed them.

I am getting ready to face the future. I’m still uncertain but I feel better about taking those baby steps forward. As Blaikie pointed out to me, there may be no point in living, but until I have reached the limit of what I can experience, there is no point to death either.