It’s 2:30am on the second last day of term. I’m so stressed out I can’t sleep.

In total overachiever eagerness I decided that it would be a brilliant idea to actually make the garments that I’m theoretically making. It’s due in 2 weeks, but I require the machines at TAFE. I was hoping to have it all done by today so I could use the machines but because I had to rebuild some of the blocks (base size pattern) from scratch it’s taken me longer than I expected. Not to mention that inconsistent sizing has required more work as I’ve had to build in graded measurements into the final patterns.

I’ve had to work as well which has reduced amount of time I have to do work at home and working made me so tired that I couldn’t stay awake to do it. I figured out there is no way I can actually get my patterns done for tomorrow and get enough sleep so I can work tomorrow. My brain is just one confused hub. On the bright side, I’m now a dab hand at Adobe Illustrator and have conclusively decided that I hate fashion rendering.

But on deeper reflection, I feel good that I’m able to do the overworked student again and that it’s a dramatic difference from what I was feeling not even three months ago. I’m thankful to be ordinary again.

Even my psychologist thinks I’ve made great strides. I’m no longer going to attend DBT because she thinks a lot of the material would not be as relevant as I’ve worked hard sorting some of it out over the summer. I’m continuing with weekly sessions which is good to have someone to talk to and attack the underlying issues.

In other news, I have been attending the Traffic Offenders Program under advisement of my solicitor for the car accident I had last September. I vaguely feel like a criminal when I go as there are strict attendance requirements which involve being unable to enter past 10 minutes after start and roll call at the beginning and at the end. There are only 3 women out of 40 people and the first lecture was on an Introduction to Prison and Parole. The information presented is somewhat interesting but mostly it’s designed to get people to avoid driving irresponsibly (but somehow it manages to guilt me into believing that I should almost never drive). However what I do like about it is that I’ve seen lots of different styles of speakers. Having left University for the contemplative work room atmosphere at TAFE, having a succession of different characters make presentations is novel.

Oh well, back to work. Looking forward to Easter so I can spend some quality time watching BSG.

I am sitting here at my computer, free of drugs. I have finally ceased all my medications. No antidepressants. No analgesics.

And I feel really good.

My mental awareness is sharper. I have more energy. I even see a future! And surprisingly – I can see myself.

After a long, LONG convalescence I’m now back on track. My psychiatrist said that I gave antidepressants a fair crack and it’s now safe to say they aren’t really for me. I feel so much lighter without them that I feel like I’ve been born again. I’ve felt like that the past two years was a lifetime of suffering. Being a prisoner of my own brain chemicals that I kept spiraling to the conclusion that I didn’t want to live anymore. I shut myself off. I just wanted to be safe.

In some ways I’m relieved that essentially I’m still the same person I was before. I am much better at managing myself – but the dreams I had are still there. My MIND is still there. The acuity of senses, the leaps in logic – it’s still me. I started remembering all the things I wanted to do as a teenager before I turned 30, and now I’m going to go out and do it. Because I want to BE more, DO more.

I can be anything I want.