Today I sunk in a horrific depressed mood. Horrific because I had been riding on a high for a whole week and to come crashing down was difficult.

But after sitting for a few hours at my computer half catatonic, I figured out why.

Last night I was visited by a friend of mine and I spilled all the details of my latest crush. However, my friend is so… cynically realistic that she had almost half convinced me that the guy wasn’t actually interested in me. That I was just an amusing companion that he wrote emails to.

It got me down because I almost believed (given my propensity to think the worst of myself) that all I was is amusing, and not worth pursuing. It felt brutally punishing to my ego that all I am is just a passing fancy to someone who is merely bored at work.

I’m naturally an optimistic person but my friend isn’t. She is of course speaking through her bitter experiences and her own disappointments and cares enough about me to try and stop me being crushed later.  And then on top of that, she gave me tips to be more coy.

In a rational sense, I can see where she is coming from. But like any girl, I just want to feel for a little while that I’m enjoying this burgeoning relationship that isn’t quite defined. That the possibilities are open that he might ACTUALLY like me. I’m experienced enough to not throw all caution in the wind, to be honest I hardly know the guy so I’m not going to pin all my hopes on an unknown entity. But neither am I one to simply be coy in an effort to go fishing. I’m straight forward and I don’t want to play games.

I guess I just don’t want to see life so negatively. I spent a whole year of being in bed thinking of negative thoughts. And because of them I’ve hurt myself time and time again. And now that I’m finally excited about living, I want to live it with great optimism. Though it seems catty to say, but my friends dark cynicism hasn’t gotten her any closer to achieving her desires. I think in some respects it has made her so risk adverse that she’ll never find what she’s looking for because she’s too scared to even see it.

In this week of almost manic joy, I’ve spent a wonderful weekend with my kids (and got drenched top to toe in a massive water fight!). I’ve cooked up a storm and somehow my joy has transferred an intuition in my cooking that it somehow tastes really good to eat. I haven’t even had a batch of failed cupcakes. I even opened up a mathematics textbook and started on problem set 1A. My brain isn’t too happy about it, but I’m feeling really accomplished and proud of myself.

If being that cynically realistic in the name of self preservation, I don’t think I want to be that way. I’ve been more productive this week then I have been for the last year. As Louise said to me, I should never stop being me, but just be the best me that I can be. The best me is someone who writes chatty emails, who loves baking, who sings at the top of her lungs, who holds hopes and most of all, who is honest. And if he’s the one, then he’ll appreciate every single one of those qualities.

I never want to sink down as low as I was this time last year ever again.

Categories: Archived

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