One of the things my psychologist and I have talked about if finding hope. To write down things that you wish for, things that you would really like to happen. He said that in doing so, it’s set in concrete and reminds you that there are things to look forward to even if they don’t eventuate.
To put my own spin on it, I decided to start a Hope Chest. A Hope Chest is traditionally what every woman makes for her future home. She embroiders linens, makes clothes for her children, that kind of thing. I know that what I want is a very traditional life. I want to be a homemaker. I’ve organised a list of projects I want to do, and actually started doing them. I’ve finished my first patchwork quilt which is currently been sent out to be machine quilted and I’m halfway through knitting a baby’s jacket. I’ve cut out a cute “Mommy and me” apron set. I’ve looked into heirloom sewing and earmarked projects.
It’s helped in that having something to do makes me less maudlin. Every time I inch closer to finishing a project, I regain my self confidence in my skills. I feel more inspired to do all these things, to make all these things – to build a hope of a future. To KNOW I have a future.
Detoxing has been really hard on my family because I turn into a mega bitch. My psychiatrist and I agreed that it was time we took a break and remain on a steady level so I could enjoy Christmas and the New Year and for my parents to actually see that I’m not always surly (which is a complete lie!). I’ve got an appointment for assessment for the DBT program and I’m prepared for the upcoming year.
Everything is quite steady at the moment. I’m having fun rebuilding my fabric stash and dressmaking tool set. I put down a deposit on a top of the line quilting machine. 1000 stitches per minute! I even got a bonus from work. I finally finished watching all 167 episodes of Inuyasha.
I even went on holiday over the weekend to Port Stephens. I drove there and back in a hire car and ignored my parents protests. It felt quite liberating to be free, even if just for a little while. I did however get told off in Newcastle for lying down on a bench and that I wasn’t allowed to sleep. Yay for intolerance in small country towns. Or maybe I just look like a hobo in my Hello Kitty T-shirt.
Anyway it’s time for me to go to bed. My sleep patterns are a bit all over the place, partially due to work and partially due to drugs. But a while ago I had a dream of my future wedding dress. Maybe this summer I’ll get around to making it.